Drunkity, Drunk, Drunk, Drunk - The Things You Say

When I woke up Sunday afternoon I called The Bitch to thank her for getting me home safely. She said, "Listen to your voice notes on your cell." So I did. I asked her, "What the fuck is this?" She explained that before I demanded to be taken home I was quite loquacious about what I wanted in a man. The Non Drinker encouraged me to record what I wanted so I didn't forget. BITCH! It did seem like a good idea at the time. It seems that sometimes when I drink I suddenly have clarity on what it is I am looking for. So let's go down last night's list. The bold writing is exactly what I said.

A man that looks good in a backwards baseball cap and drinking out of a red Dixie cup, not a god damn blue one. OK, I have no idea what this means. I can only imagine I saw a cute boy doing such an act. God knows why I was opposed to a blue Dixie cup.

A tall man. Not regular tall but like seven feet tall. Well I do like tall men but seven feet tall is a bit excessive even for me.

A man who will eat sushi because if he won't eat sushi he won't eat me. I have no clue what I was thinking here. I do not taste like sushi. I'm sure there are some very nice non sushi eaters out there.

No one under 32. Obviously I've decided to try not to date younguns anymore. Weird.

A man that is equally comfortable both in the penthouse suite or in a tent. Um... I do not sleep in tents so I don't have a fucking clue as to why this was important.

A man who always wears a belt. This one probably only makes sense to me but at least I understand it.

He must not expect me to bald in my area. That's like a fucking pedophile. I really don't think men who like bald are pedophiles.

He best be a good fuck. No need to explain this one except to say I've had a bad fuck.

No more B's. Ever. He must be like an R, an S, or a T. This one is easy. Makes perfect sense to me.

I will not teach him how to kiss. If he can't get it right the first time, fuck it, he is gone. Guess I feel pretty strongly about kissing.

He better buy me a big ass diamond in a platinum setting. I almost didn't post this one because it sounds so shallow. But I am not one to sugarcoat things. I said it. I have proof. Damn, I am a shallow cunt.

So I guess maybe if you put the old list with the new list and wait for me to get drunk again you might find out exactly who it is I am looking for.

Comments

[Alcohol Treatment Info]

When you drink you may have clarity on what it is you are looking for in a man but quite honestly, you sound like you would be kind of overbearing and overly demanding in a relationship :-)

[Hani]

Sometimes the only thing you need is some liquor to help you prioritize whats really important in life. And besides you need a guy who will listen to your incoherent ramblings and just laugh as he tucks you in.