For All You Girls Over 30

I received this chain email the other day. I fucking hate chain email but this one sort of rang true to me. The actual piece was written by Andy Rooney of 60 minutes fame. I have chosen to place my thoughts about Mr. Rooney's statements in bold.

Andy Rooney says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

OK the only thing I am waking you up for in the middle of the night is to demand you fuck me. After we are done I might ask what you are thinking. The correct answer is always "How hot you are and how much I am going to enjoy fucking you again right now."

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

Like masturbating.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

I surely don't give two shits what you think about me or what I am doing unless I am giving you a blowjob. The correct thought here is always "This is the best god damn blowjob I've ever gotten."

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

I promise not to yell at you in an expensive restaurant or at the opera. It seems that younger women like to make scenes. So not worth it to me. I'd rather just shoot you and find your replacement. There is always a replacement.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Usually that undeserved praise is in the bedroom. Sorry guys but it's true.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

This is bullshit. Women betray women every day. If I haven't introduced you to my friends I am either ashamed of you and only dating you for the presents or I'm too busy fucking you to take you out of the house.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

We always know and we are vengeful bitches.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

It's called Fuck Me Red. It has a purpose.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

We know better tricks too.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

I prefer the word asshole to jerk but both convey the point quite nicely. Though "motherfucking dick" is usually my adjective of choice..

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

I feel sorry for the waitress. She isn't old enough to realize the money all goes to the ex wife.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

I hate little sausages. They ruin my fucking day.

Comments

[trouble]

I can't believe this awesome post didn't have any comments. I loved Mr. Rooney's comments, too, but I thought your additional remarks made it even better.

[Adrift in the Ocean]

Brilliant! I think this is my new mantra.