The First Time Lola Was Lied To

When I was five I was told I was adopted.  My parents explained to me that I was a very special child because I was chosen.  They went to a very special hospital and picked me out of all the other children.  I'm pretty sure this is when I decided everything was all about me.

As I grew up I had several questions about my mother.  It's odd.  Looking back I never once asked about my father.  I asked both The Mommy and The Grandmommy about this.  They confirmed that I never once mentioned or asked about my father.  I was always told my biological mother loved me very much.  I was also promised I would be told all about my birth parents when I turned sixteen.  I was satisfied that I was loved so everything was ok with me.

When I was twelve my older sister had a child.  Oddly enough his baby pictures looked a lot like me.  I started looking at other pictures of my family.  I realized I looked like everyone in my "adopted" family.  I started thinking about how often my sister came to visit even though she and her husband often lived very far away.  I started asking more questions about my biological mother.  I pestered my mom every single day about my "real" mother.

One day about six months after she had her baby, my sister sat me down on the front porch of our parents house.  As I watched my nephew laugh while my sister tickled him she told me a story.  It was a story about a young girl who was very in love with a boy.  No one in the girl's family liked the boy but she loved him very much.  She decided to marry the boy even though she was only twenty years old.  When the boy and girl had been married about eight months she discovered she was pregnant.  The boy she loved so very much did not want children.  He left her.  After her baby was born she took her to see her father.  She was certain he would fall madly in love with the baby just as she had.  He explained once again that he did not want children. 

It slowly dawned on me why my sister visited so much when I barely saw my older brother.  I realized why every spring break I was sent to visit her and her husband.  I understood why I spent every summer in whatever city or country she was living in.  I now knew why she bought extravagant birthday and Christmas presents.  I totally understood why my "parents" spoiled me rotten.  I was their first grandchild.  I didn't listen to another word she said.  I kissed my little brother on the head and ran away from her.

I didn't speak to any of my family for a week.  I felt they were all liars and had betrayed me.  I was pissed off for much longer than a week.  Someday I might finish this story but it's too much for me right now.

Comments

[astrocoz]

Wow! I had no idea. I'd be pretty pissed and hurt about it too. I felt kinda like that when I found out that I had an older brother and sister after my dad died, but the feeling left. If I had been told what you were told, I think I would have needed a lot of therapy to keep me from going bonkers.

You must have been a pretty insightful kid to put all that together.

I was a pretty smart kid but this wasn't that hard to put together. I look exactly like the rest of my family. She always bought the best presents of anyone. She visited every month. I was sent to visit her every school vacation except Christmas. When I look back I'm pretty sure I had already figured it out once The Brother was born but I just wouldn't admit it to myself. Of course, it's hard to learn such shit when your 12. Imagine how pissed off I would have been if they had waited till I was 16.

[RazDreams]

is "The Mommy" the sister? i joined late and can't find it in any archives (i tried so i wouldn't have to ask).

Yes.

[Mister Hand]

Oh my God, Lola. I'm stunned.

Explains why I'm so nuts doesn't it?

To be honest, I'm a little stunned I wrote it. I sort of promised myself there would be certain aspects of my life I would never commit to the Internet.

[Jen]

I never understood why people thought that this was a good idea. I've met three people in my travels that this has happened too. And every one of them were madder than wet hens, as well.

If I ever finish this story you will understand, as I eventually did, that they made the best choice possible.

In my high school alone I knew of six other people in the same situation. Tons of people have had it happen.

[Jen]

Ack, typo in that 'too', sorry...meant to be 'to'.

[HDL]

Wow. I've seen this on Dateline, of course, a few times, and they make it out to be very joyful. They don't tack on that there could be some confusion down the line. Thanks for sharing your story. If the time ever comes for you to finish it, we'd love to hear more.

Perhaps I will finish it someday.

[Dawn]

There's a lot of that going around. Or used to be. My ex-husband (X) grew up knowing his older sister had a different father (his mother's first husband) and he believing that he and his younger brother were the biological sons of the man by whom they were being raised and whose last name they used. Then when X wanted to get a birth certificate to get a passport (around age 17), his parents had to come clean and admit that this guy was his step-father and that that last name wasn't even legally X's. Had he tried to get a birth certificate in that name, he would have been told he didn't exist. They'd just started calling him that when they married. His real name was the same as his sister's. So of course he then assumed that he must really have the same father as his sister and then felt hurt that that "father" had never, ever contacted him. On her death bed (when X was 26) his mother finally fessed up that the truth was that sister was a product of her first marriage, X was the illegitimate son of another man with whom she'd been involved after the first marriage ended and brother was the product of the 2nd marriage. She still didn't tell X his biological father's name. He learned that from an older cousin. He still has not had any contact with the man. And yes, it messed with his head, too.

Anytime you find out your parents have lied to you is hard.

[Brighton]

I know how much that hurts. We had a similar situation in our family. I never knew I had an older Sister and Brother, never even knew my Dad had been married before. I was fourteen when I found out I had a sister and sixteen when they told me about my brother. As a result I am probably TOO honest with my own children.

I'm not sure I belive there is such a thing as being too honest.

[Bettejo]

I do believe they did what they thought would cause you the least amount of pain. I guess it turned out it would cause you the most. I always tell my daughter lying will always come back to bite you in the ass. Lola, I do not think you're nuts, the situation was.

I'm not sure their decisions caused me the most amount of pain but I was very confused and pissed off for a long time.

[Jamy]

Wow--thank you so much for sharing this story. I'm fascinated by it as I've never met anyone in this situation. I have half-brothers, step-sisters and all kinds of family complications, but it doesn't quite compare to yours. Of course, I'm sure they were trying to do what they thought was best for you. It sounds nuts, but I still think you turned out great--maybe a little craziness is necessary to be an interesting person, and you are nothing if not that.

Craziness can be really interesting.

[Murph]

Brutal. Your willingness to reveal that which makes Lola Lola never ceases to amaze me, but this is taking it to another level altogether.

Murph, you never cease to amaze me with how good you can make me feel about sharing.

[Ian]

Sheeeeesh!

Lola, I've been a longtime lurker on your wonderful, witty, wacky and bitingly honest blog. I haven't participated, preferring to read it for my private enjoyment. But after that post I had to make contact to say ... er, well, sheeeeesh! And also that I suspect you're the sanest person on the blogosphere. And I admire you. (If I ever post again, I promise to try and say something witty and cook instead of gushing like that.)

I appreciate you giving up your lurker status to comment. I think your comment was pretty damn cool.

[ian]

Um, try witty and cool.

I understood what you meant.

[Closet Metro]

In situations like that, I wonder how anyone can fool themselves into thinking that such a deception is in anyone's "best interest." Waiting to tell the truth is waiting to tell someone that you've lied to them.

Hats off to you for having the cojones to share your story.

I have a lot of mixed emotions on the subject of deception. This whole post has sort of gotten me all stirred up. However, knowing all the story I do feel that they did what they thought was best. And it's not like I've had such a bad life right?

[Closet Metro]

I'm sure they weren't trying to hurt you. How old does a child need to be before they'd understand it all?

Still, things like that, shaking your foundation of "truth" would make most people have some serious trust issues.

Yeah I've got some serious trust issues. I bet y'all haven't noticed that huh?

[Danielle]

Lola, thank you for sharing this story with us.

Everyday I question if I make the decisions in talking with my sons about their birthfamily. I have been honest with them since the day they were born. Of course, I've always made it age appropriate, but I often wonder if the truth stings too much. We're even fortunate to see my youngest sons biological family a few times a year.

I know it made you hurt by sharing, but you reaffirmed that at least I am doing something right with my kids and not competely fucking them up.

We're all so proud of you, and if you ever chose to be a mother-- you're going to be a damn good one. (Get on the ball, Macek.)

xoxo, Danielle

I am thankful every single day that my parents told me I was adopted when I was still young. A girl I knew in high school did not find out until she was 18 that she was adopted. I cannot even imagine what she went through.

I bet you are an incredible mom. Sure sounds like it to me.

[phillip]

i had a child when i was 16, a child i've never seen. shortly after the child was born the mother married someone else and her husband adopted the child. i know this situation is different from yours but i was just wondering if there's ever a time when its best to not let the child know the truth? the child is 23 now and how would he feel if he found out that the person he always thought of as his father really isn't? personally i think every child should know the truth about how they were conceived...

I'm really not the person to be talking about this. I'm afraid my personal experiences will make me write something harsh and unkind.

[will]

outstanding post, thanks for writing this.

Thanks Will. Outstanding from you is a huge compliment.

[Mister Hand]

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I was adopted by my parents when I was a week old. I've always known--for as long as I can remember. And it's never been an issue for me.

BEAR WITH ME THROUGH THE FOLLOWING ANALGUOUS EVENTS IN MY LIFE UNTIL I MAKE MY POINT:

But when I was six or seven years old I discovered there was no Santa Clause. And I was REALLY pissed at my parents for lying to me. And when I was nineteen I figured out there was no God. And I was MAJORLY pissed at my parents for raising me in the Southern Baptist Church and lying to me for all those years. And I viewed it as lying at the time--whether they believed it or not. At the time my attitude was they should have investigated further before shoveling bullshit down my throat for all those years.

So as hurt and as traumatized as I was by those events, I imagine this must have been just devastating for you Lola. I can imagine it only to the degree that it hurts me to think about it.

It was quite painful Mister Hand. Still is sometimes but I survive it. They really do all love me quite a lot and have tried to give me the best life possibly. That being said, it did fuck me up quite a bit.

[Tanya]

WOW! That is shocking. I am adopted, have known since I was old enough to understand what it meant. My biomum is not related at all, but I know how tough it can be when it is a inter-family adoption, as it happened to a close friend of mine. The child still has no clue, which I think is wrong...but it's not my business.

I admire your strength to be able to write about it so honestly. Yes, you are hurt and rightly so.

I am amazed at parents who lie about adoption. It hurts SO many people, especially the child and it is the most cruel of lies.

I wish you all the best with this and the future.

Thank you but let me clarify something...My parents never lied about me being adopted.

[dan]

I don't know how I'd react if everything I thought I knew about me was untrue, but in the end, I guess it's safe to say that you had 2 parents who loved you (your grandparents) and a sister who wanted to care about you, but couldn't make sense of things that happened in her life (child / divorce / etc.).

I guess the hypothetical question is what would you have done had you know the truth since you could think about it?

It's easy for me to ask since I'm not the one having to answer it.

Have a better day all the same.

[CLC]

Lola, you are brave and inspiring.

I'm just a girl with an awful lot of baggage.

[Naren]

Wow. Now that's some baggage.

[Cindy]

Thank you for sharing this.

[New York Moments]

Thanks for sharing, Lola. It couldnt' have been easy to write about it.

Thanks for reading.

[J's Girlfriend]

I don't see why parents can't just be upfront about things like that. Surely your mother only left you because she couldn't take care of you at the time. I'm adopted as well and have always known; this was just the way it was and was never a problem.

Actually my mother could have taken care of me but looking at the big picture they all felt that the grandparents could provide a better life. Private schools, dance lessons, art lessons, etc.

[Discombobulator]

If you ask me you turned out OK. I'm hooked on your blog trying to find the "thing that's wrong with you"

I love a challenge.

[kristen]

I have 3 children all girls. The middle child (Kayla)is from a man who ran away from me when I was 4 months pregnant. One year after my middle child was born I got back together with my x husband after 8 years. We remarried and he adopted my middle child when she was 2. My first and last children are biologicaly his.I always wanted to tell Kayla but he did not. She is now 8. We were divorced 2 years ago. I want to tell her that her dad is not her biological dad and that he adopted her, but he doesnt want to. I wanted to go about it in the right way in a language that a eight year old could understand, and I want her to know how much we both love her. More than anything I wanted to talk with her together, the three of us. He loves her very much and is a good dad but I just cant get him to do this with me. It has to be done. Is there a right age? Can I go ahead and talk to her myself if he wont agree to join in on the conversation. I need help. I love all my children so much and dont want them to feel lied to or betrayed it is just a difficult situation because I feel I already waited to long. I could not tell her during the divorce that was way to difficult a time. But we are settling in to our new life and I think now is the time with or with out him.

[ShinerJock]

I was just picking random posts and trying to get to know you a little better. I am awed and impressed by your honesty. You my friend, are the shit.

[BillyRed]

My niece is having a baby and my sister is adopting the baby. I feel stuck in the middle and I'm thinking this might be a really bad idea that will divide our family. What do you think? Any suggestions?

Thanks for sharing your story.

BillyRed

[Andrew]

Being lied to sucks, but it's good that you were loved. I didn't find out until I was 15 that I had a brother 2 years younger than me. Unfortunately, he drowned the year before I was told. Do you find that your relationships with your family members is muddied by their guilt?

[Violetsrose]

My family have this same situation - the person my cousin thought was her aunty was actually her grandmother

The main reason people do this is to save face - the stigma of a young unmarried mother was an awful thing for a family to bear so the child often becomes a son/daughter rather than a grandson/grandaughter

Its amazing how deceptions go - I always knew the correct biological lineage and was astounded that my cousin didn't - in that branch of the family the deception had lasted 40odd years at least

In this day and age there is no excuse for deceiving a child in this way - they are the ones that get hurt and its just not fair

You're very brave for sharing this, especially as its had such a profound effect on you - from what I've read of your blog I think you've come out rather well considering

[breadlady]

I have a friend who, in our huge city grew up in wealth. Her family is well known because of their successful business. There were 6 kids. She was 22 and in a bar met her future husband there, he asked her out. So the next week they go dancing, the guy she was with ran into an old buddy of his from college and he introduced them, then she excused herself to the ladies room. The college buddy punched him and said, "man do you know who she is?" he is like nooooooooo. So he goes on to explain that while in Law school they studied her parents divorce, and it was insane, and told him that 3 out of the 6 children were adopted. With her being one of them. Weeks went by and he never said anything. They got into an arguement and split then got back together, and promised to honest with one another about everything. So that is when he told her what he had found out. She had no idea. There she was just by chance in a bar and there are more ppl in our area that knew more about her and her family than her.........Now that is insane. Yes it did upset her and her siblings greatly....

[jacque medina]

It sucks having a mom that gave me up for adoption, she is selfish and a lier she can't even tell me who my father is or shall i say won't she is selfish and lives only for herself sad hope she reeps what she well you know