No Thank You, I Already Received My Hickory Farms Holiday Package This Year

Last night I spit my Tokyo Rose all over some guy's penis.  It's not as kinky or as exciting as it might sound. 

I was at a holiday party.  Everyone was pretty well lubricated.  I was drinking a fair amount of Tokyo Rose's (1/2 hot sake plus 1/2 plum wine).  I met a man who was quite entertaining and intelligent.  Or he seemed that way when I agreed to continue our conversation in a quieter part of the house.  (I'm a dumbass.)

We were alone in the study sitting on the couch discussing our jobs.  He was asking about my travel schedule for January.  We were having a normal conversation.  As I took a sip of my drink, I glanced down.  He was massaging his crotch.  I politely stood up to take my leave.  I thanked him for reinforcing my desire not to date.  I turned to leave, gulping my drink as I left.  He said, "You might change your mind when you see this."  (Does this work for him with some women?)

Yes, he whipped it out right there.  It was the shortest yet fattest penis I've ever seen.  I'll I could think of was it looked like a Hickory Farms Beef Stick.  I laughed and my drink shot out of my mouth and my nose all over his crotch.  It would have been nice if I had something bitchy and witty to say but I just couldn't control myself.  All I could do was laugh.  It was such an absurd moment.

Things like this are why I prefer to stay home with a hot bath and good book.

UPDATE

I pondered over this incident for most of Sunday.  I wondered if I gave off some sort of signal that said "Please show me your fat, disgusting penis."  This morning I called the hostess of the party under the guise of thanking her for a lovely time, good food, holiday cheer, etc.  Towards the end of the conversation I said, "Something happened at your party that I feel you should be aware of."  She replied, "Did Ryan flash you his penis?"  Shocked, I answered, "Yes he did!"  She said, "I figured as much since you left so quickly.  Don't worry about it.  He does that whenever he has too much to drink."  I asked,"May I ask why you keep inviting him?"  She said, "He is intelligent, interesting, very wealthy, and single.  I'm trying to help out my single girl friends."  Sarcastically I said, "Oh well it makes perfect sense now.  I'll have to be sure to ask him to my next party."  The stupid bitch thought I was serious.

Comments

[phillip]

i think its a requirement for success that if a guy is gonna pull something like that he has to at least pull out something impressive...

I don't think any man should pull out his penis unless he is invited to do so.

[Jen]

It's always the deficient that somehow have managed to delude themselves the most.
This entry cracked me up. Good for you for not placating his idiocy.

I believe he really though he was showing me something impressive.

[JuneBug]

i was SO not expecting this this morning...good God...

YOU weren't expecting it? Think how I felt.

[Jamy]

He did WHAT? Good God. He got so much less than he deserved. Heh.

Yes he did get less than he deserved.

[Floyd]

Exactly what is the thought process that guys go through that leads them to think this "tactic might work? Perhaps...."surely, once she is bedazzled by my little friend she will forget that I'm an ass". I'm surprised it doesn't work more often.

I can't believe I didn't go blind from the ygliness of it all.

[d]

Well that blog entry brought a smile to my face . Now if you were a man you could have used I wish I had one... you know the rest

I'm glad it made you smile. Means I'm doing my job.

[astrocoz]

I think guys like this must go somewhere to learn how to be that ridiculous! I swear! Fuckin' hilarious though. I think that your uncontrollable laughing said a hell of a lot more than any witty comment could have.

I only wish I had aimed my spit at his face.

[Mister Hand]

Well, at LEAST he was wealthy. You could have had a Sugar Daddy!

Darlin' I make my own money.

[wdky]

Thanks Lola... I don't normally comment (although I read regularly) but that really was a classic!

Thanks for delurking long enough to comment.

[Dawn]

You don't need to give out a signal. F**kwits like that are self-starting.

The fact that he tried that almost leads one to believe that he has had success with that approach in the past. Now, isn't that a scary thought!

Since he keeps being invited out by these people I assume he has had luck with it at some point in the past.

[Cindy]

What a classy guy! Thanks for the smile today!

You are quite welcome.

[Tink]

ROFL. Wow. I mean... Has that EVER worked for him? If you're going to flash it, at least be sure it's something to "Ooh and Aah" over. ;)

Seriously, I'd like just a little bit of a thrill if someone is gonna try something that perverted on me.

[Morrigan]

"It would have been nice if I had something bitchy and witty to say but I just couldn't control myself. All I could do was laugh."

You didn't need to come up with a witty remark. The non-verbal one said it all.

Thanks Morrigan.

[Closet Metro]

*Crossing off "You might change your mind when you see this." from my "it just might work list"*

Nice to learn from someone else's mistakes. Easier on the dry cleaning bills.

I suppose it might work if you have something really impressive to whip out but otherwise don't use it.

[will]

So I shouldn't show you mine?
Making a note of this.

You can always show me yours.

[Satisfied '75]

"if it's going to be that kind of party, Im gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes."

-richard pryor

oh my!

[Hazel Hazel]

What kind of mind would a guy have to make him think that was acceptable? Good Lord.

A very, very deluded one.

[Closet Metro]

I wouldn't call it "really impressive" - maybe I should learn some of those Puppetry of the Penis tricks? Would that be impressive?

"You might change your mind when you see this: it's a bullfrog. Now it's a snake. Now it's the White House."

Democratic White House or Republican?

[Closet Metro]

You gotta lobby the White House before you get to see who is inside.

I'm not falling for that trick.

[Amanda B.]

Wow, what a creep. You cracked me up with the drink snarfing, so all is not lost! ;D

[Pearatty]

Hilarious.

[Duffy]

This will be worth reading again next year (and again tomorrow)! It cracked me up.

[Beth]

Holy Shit Lola!!! I laughed so hard I shot diet coke right out my nose. Which seems like a fitting toast to your T Rose snarfing on the teeny weiner. Seriously funny shit. I hesitate to continue to comment on the newly found blog lest you think I'm a total stalker, but your brand of humor brings forth snorts and giggles like no other.

My J.O.B. is so fucking BORING that I use your blog as reward for completing certain tasks. Pathetic I know, but I gotta do something for entertainment and it would be obvious if I got drunk every day. So consider it a compliment or an all time low... either way you are my "Lola Fix".

I only hope I continue to entertain you.