Honesty

I bought myself a bottle of fifteen year old Macallan and came home to sip my drink, listen to Sinatra, and think about being a grown up.  Nothing can make you feel more like a grown up than Macallan, Sinatra, and a little honesty.  I laid myself bare.  Well mostly bare.

Usually in relationships, real or imagined ones, I have been closed off.  I've kept my feelings and emotions close to me so as not to be hurt.  I'm the girl who used to smile pleasantly and tell you everything was alright when all I wanted to do was curl up and cry.  Not this time.  This time I laid it all out there.  And I did it without fear.  I knew it might turn out badly but so be it. 

I told you how I felt.  I told you what I hoped for.  I even admitted to being jealous.  Admitting jealousy is huge for me.  Hell, it's huge for most people.  Most people don't want to open themselves up enough to admit jealousies and insecurities.  I know I never have.  I've always been the strong one.  Never let them see you cry.  That was what I lived by.  But to you I admitted it all.

You aren't in the same place I am.  You don't feel the same way.  It hurts.  God, it fucking hurts but you know what?  I'm glad I told you.  For the first time in my entire life I feel like a grown-up.  I know that sounds silly but it's true.  I didn't play games.  I didn't wait it out.  I told you how I felt knowing it would probably not turn out the way I wanted.  It didn't but it will be just fine.  I will be just fine.

I could go the normal route and be the angry bitch.  I could cut you out of my life.  I could wallow in my pain and curse you to all my friends but I won't.  You didn't do anything to me.  I did it to myself.  I had unrealistic expectations.  I do have to thank you though.  Something about you gave me the courage to be honest.  For so long I've kept myself closed off and have not allowed myself to feel anything but bitter.  Without hesitation I opened myself up to you.  I told you my secrets.  I exposed my vunerabilities.  I gave you the power.  I discovered that even though it hurts it also feels good.  I'm proud of myself because I didn't hide.  Thank you for allowing me to grow.  Thank you for letting me be honest.  Thank you for showing me next time will be that much easier.

Comments

[jamy]

I'm proud of you too.

Thank you. It was surprisingly easy.

[wendyod10]

Just think, you can look back with no regrets..Living your life balls to the wall is so brave and you should be proud of yourself. And also, you are right. You just made the next time so much easier.

[crickett]

All I can say is, WOW!

I hope that's a good wow.

[LT]

Lola, you need to write a book. All of this stuff can be so helpful to people.

I can barely help myself but I appreciate the compliment.

[JuneBug]

great post!

have a great weekend!

Thanks

[Nicole]

Congratulations! It sounds like you did a lot of growing up and learned a great deal. I applaud you.

Thanks

[Duffy]

I'm glad you told him too... life is too short to settle for anything less than mutual devotion. They always say 'there's someone out there for everyone'.. lets not give up the search!

I'm not giving anything up.

[Discombobulator]

L, Your posts never cease to grab me :-)

Whoever ends up landing you will get a wonderful, complex and emotionally deep person.

You have a lot to give the right person, and I hope they appreciate how lucky they will be.

They better fucking appreciate me. ;)

[Katie]

Your expectations weren't unrealistic, they just didn't come to fruition! Good for you for not hiding your feelings. Liking someone is nothing to be ashamed of, and the world would be so much easier if we were all open about it.

My expectations were unrealistic. Trust me.

[Closet Metro]

growing, even if it hurts, is good.

now pass the scotch.

I'm not sharing the scotch!

[Jorge_fromblow]

I was searching around for some "quotes" about honesty today. To be exact, I was thinking to myself "theres something about honesty", and thats what I searched for on google. I am so glad I found this. I have someone coming over tonight who is "going to be honest with me" and I am totally inspired to be honest with them!!
thanks

I'm glad I could be of help.