Find Them, Call Them

Last week I found out a friend of mine, K, had passed away.  My high school boyfriend emailed me to tell me the news.  Not only was I shocked because my friend was dead but I felt horrible I had to find out from my high school boyfriend.  She moved away from my town years ago.  We attempted to keep in touch but you know how that goes.  She got married.  She had a child.  She lived on top of a mountain on a farm.  We had nothing really in common anymore.  It was both of our faults.  I couldn't understand her desire to live in a small town away from everything.  She couldn't understand my unwillingness to settle down.

I met K in kindergarten.  At recess one day she was sitting on the sidewalk, as I walked by she said, "Hey you wanna go beat those boys up with me?"  It was the start of our friendship.  Through the years, sometimes we were in the same class and sometimes we weren't but we were always friends.

In third grade she beat the crap out of The Beauty Queen because she was stuffing a Barbie feather boa in my face.  I was diagnosed with asthma when I was four.  Feathers were one of the things that sent me over the edge.  We were all at a slumber party and The Beauty Queen (she really did participate in beauty pageants) thought it would be funny to make me wheeze.  I remember K flying over the coach and tackling TBC.  It was a beautiful thing.  Of course from that day forward we spent tons of time figuring out ways to torment The Beauty Queen.

In seventh grade K spent all year making a girl miserably who hurt my feelings over a boy.  Yes, I know it was mean.  Yes, I know it was immature but at the time I adored K for doing it.  She always had my back.  And I always had hers.

In tenth grade I was arrested for being a minor in possession of alcohol.  We were all at the park drinking.  When the cops pulled up everyone ran off except for me.  I just wasn't going to go running through the park being chased by cops.  I stood there and took my punishment.  I went to a private Christian school my whole life.  Somehow the school found out I had been arrested.  I was called into the office where they expected me to tell who else had been there with me.  I would not.  I was threatened with expulsion and I still wouldn't tell. Finally my mom showed up and she was pissed.  K had pretended to call home sick and called my mom.  K also went and turned herself in even though she knew I wouldn't tell on anyone.  She didn't want me to stand alone.  We received two months of Saturday school plus some other various punishments.  (My mom wanted to pull me out of the school but I wouldn't let her.  I was in 10th grade.  No way was I going to a new school.)

One month before graduation K found out she was pregnant.  Another girl in our class had also found out she was pregnant.  It had gotten around school and she was kicked out.  ONE MONTH BEFORE GRADUATION!  SHE WASN'T EVEN SHOWING!  I told K she had to keep her mouth shut.  No one could know she was pregnant.  We soon found out she had to be a certain number of weeks along before they would perform the procedure.  Finally the day came.  I drove her to the clinic.  I went in the room with her while the procedure was done.  I held her hand the whole way through.  I was bawling and she looked at the doctor saying, "Can you give her something for that?"  Even when she was the one in trouble she was thinking of me.  Months later someone she had told asked me how I could go with her.  I never even thought about not going.  It was a given.  We were friends.

We drifted in and out of each others lives throughout college.  She started hanging out with some people and doing some things that weren't my style so we didn't see each other very often.  We talked all the time.  I just didn't want to be around the people she had chosen to spend time with.  She wasn't very fond of my straight laced boyfriend.  I know that sounds bitchy of us but we were young.

Eventually she moved away to the mountain and got married.  She had a child.  I moved.  She called my mom (grandmother) sometimes and talked to her.  My mom would always give her my phone number but she never called.  I called her mom numerous times to get her number but I never called.  We played catch up through our parents.  A few weeks ago The Mommy asked me, "Whatever happened to the girl who beat up that little beauty pageant girl for you?"  I replied, "Last I heard, she's living up on a mountain with her kid and her husband.  She's a little OCD about the kid from what I hear.  I should call her."  I told myself I would call her mom and get the number when The Mommy and I got home.  Of course by the time I got home I had forgotten all about it.

When I found out she had died I called her mom.  It was almost two full weeks since she had passed.  I found out she actually had three children and she was divorced.  Her mom said, "She always thought so highly of you."  I cried.  Her mom cried.  I don't know how K and I lost touched.  For most of my childhood and young adult hood we were as close as sisters.  It hurts me to know I missed out on so much of her life.  I wish I could have spoken to her one last time.  I would have told her I thought about her often and how much she had always meant to me.

Comments

[Cindy]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

[astrocoz]

That sucks...I'm sorry you never got to catch up with her and be a part of her grown up life. I'm always afraid of that happening with some of my friends. She sounds like she was a beautiful friend to have throughout all those years. I don't think we ever forget friends like that, especially ones who make such memories such a treasure for us. I'm sure she knew how much she meant to you...somethings are just known without having to be spoken.

[CinC]

I'm sorry, Lola. I have all sorts of trite platitudes running around my head, but I'll spare you. I'm just very sorry.

[trouble]

I'm so sorry. Thanks for reminding me that I really, really need to keep making the effort to get in touch with my best girlfriend from college. I don't want to lose touch.

[jamy]

I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry.

[Kid Ikaros]

I hardly know what to say. I'm so sorry. We've all got those friends that we lose touch with, but the connection is still there. I know it must hurt, but I'm sure she knew you loved her.

[Danielle]

I'm positive she knew how much she meant to you. Friends always know.

I'm sorry your friend died.

[Lola]

Thank you all for the kind words. I'm really ok. I found out last week and it has had time to sink in. I just couldn't write about it until today. I almost didn't write about it at all. Thank you for your supportive words.

[Closet Metro]

:( very sad.

[That Guy]

Losing those that you were close to is never easy, regardless of the current level of the relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[pearatty]

so so sorry.

[Caryn]

:'(

[J]

I am so sorry for you and your friend. Your friendship reminds me of one of my own that I lost.

[islebehere]

sorry for your loss... the loss of friendship, the loss of time.

[buckers]

I bet she knows how you felt. And that you thought about her. True friendship is like that. Thank you - and I'm sorry.