Back Up Plan

Sometimes when things get to be too much, when the little yellow pills aren't doing their job, I think about the back up plan.  I don't consciously mean to think about it.  It just happens.  It usually only happens when I'm at home.  Alone.  But it has popped into my mind when I am driving.  Or in a bar.  And once at the movies.  But mostly when I am at home.

I lie in bed with my eyes squeezed shut against the tears.  I will them not to leak out.  But they always do.  I try to think about all the blessings I have.  All the reasons to be happy.  The tears still come.  I bite my bottom lip so hard it bleeds.  Anything to take my mind off what really hurts.  I lie there on my left side with my fingertips touching, the bottom of my palms touching, and my left wrist starts to tingle.  I used to think the tingling was all in my mind but it's not.  Somehow it's become a physical symptom.  Whenever I get too upset the tingling starts.  Whenever I think I just can't take one more thing, there it is.  The tingling is pointing the way out.

I get up and walk around the house.  Pacing.  I masturbate.  I read.  I stand in the shower and scream.  I rock back and forth while I grip my wrist.  Anything to stop the tingling.  But it won't go away.  I rub my thumb across my wrist.  Gentle at first, then more rapidly.  Harder.  I will rub the tingle away.  I will banish it and the thoughts from my head.  But I can't.

Following through on a back up plan is something a weak person would do.  A coward.  I don't believe I am either; yet I have a back up plan.  I wish I didn't, but I do.  It's there mocking me.  Whispering in my ear.  Inviting me to come out and play.  I don't ever plan on using it but I'm comforted knowing it is there.

Comments

[Tara]

Sad and messed-up as it may seem, it's also comforting to know I'm not the only one who finds comfort from the back up plan.

It's comforting to me to know that you are out there.

[anon]

You're both not alone. It does feel good to know that there are other people that get it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me you "get it". so many people don't.

[trouble]

No. Never.

If you can't live for yourself, tell the people you love exactly how desperate you are. One of my good friends committed suicide in high school. He never told any of us exactly how desperate he was feeling. We all thought we knew him so well, but he hid from us. It's been more than 20 years, and I still feel guilty that I didn't know exactly how deep his struggles went.

The mommy, your brother, everyone who loves you would be crushed and brutalized by that backup plan. Trust me, I've hurt so bad that I wanted to die, hurt so bad that my chest wasn't big enough to hold all the pain, cried for hours and hours and days and days holding myself in the fetal position and feeling I'd do anything to make that pain stop.

But what keeps me living is the people who love me, who would be irreparably damaged by that act. For them, the pain would NEVER stop.

I'm sorry you lost a friend. My family knows when I'm in trouble.

[treespotter]

i hope you'll be well soon.

sorry, that was probably a dumb comment, but it's a sincere wish, i'm not too good with this things.

It wasn't a dumb comment. I appreciate your concern. I promise you I am fine. Well as fine as I can be. this was just something that I needed to write.

[J]

As a person who is lucky enough to not suffer from depression or these kinds of thoughts, this post was an amazing peek through a window into that world. Scary, to say the least. I'm sorry that life sometimes is like this for you. I wish you the best.

I appreciate the good wishes. Life isn't always like this for me... just sometimes.

[wdky]

Lola, I think you under-estimate the number of people who feel, or have felt, desolate at times.

The last time I REALLY wished my life was over was close enough that I can recall every nanosecond. But life is like that... good and bad, up and down.

And we love you. And you and I are getting married some time soon.

I'm sure there are a great many people out there who feel this way. Part of me wanted to write this simply for those who think they are alone in it. I know I am not.

The fact that you still even kiddingly want to marry me after this post made me smile. That's your good deed for the day. Though I don't know how much the Little Cuban would like your plans. :)

[newfieswoman]

me feels for ya....and it is good to know that someone else has the backup plan.. Though me never worded it that way.. Me dont know if this will help or not but someone once gave me some advice.. It don't usually work for me but its worth a shot.. Try not to overthink stuff.. Easier said than done yes but it do sometimes works...maybe just give it a try??? Me feels yer pain. An remember me does care..

Thank you.

[Tara]

I'm seeing the benefits of an "anonymous" blog. I sometimes wish I could make a post like this one, just to get it out - but I can't.

You can make one here if you want. I'd be happy to post it if you wanted.

[ThatGuy]

I'm here for you if you need it...

I know you are. :)

[the 90/10 rule]

i know what you mean.

Thank you for "getting it".

[Kid Ikaros]

Been there. Been closer to there than I'd like to remember. And I know I'll probably be there again someday, but hope to keep the backup plan as just that.

It's a good thing to want to keep the back up plan as just that.

[Tug]

wow. I don't know how this feels either, but I wanted you to know that this post touched me. And I'm very glad that your family knows and you are so very certain that the backup plan will not be used. Your words have made me laugh before, touched me before...thank you for that. And hang in there...for the good times.

I'm hanging. :)

[Danielle]

Lola, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. I understand, I promise. I hate it when you hurt.

Thank you.

[beth]

I totally know. It is as if I wrote it myself. Since I lost the love of my life, my back up plan has changed though. I could never cause the grief that I have lived with these years to my children & loved ones.

Now my fantasy escape is to get on a bus and disappear. Start new where no one knows me - no expectations of me. I kid myself that my family wouldn't feel the same grief. Delusional, I know, but planning it all out in my head is strangely comforting.

I am familiar with despair. I know that when you are experiencing it, you don't think of reaching out, but if you ever want to ball, complain, cry to a loving stranger. Please call. I'm here for you.

Thank you so much.