Rejection Part Two

You are no longer worth my tears. 

I will hold my head up high knowing that I did all I could do to convey the depths of my feelings, both good and bad, to you.  I might not have always expressed myself in the most adult or rational manner but at least you knew how I felt.

When I made a mistake I quickly apologized.  And apologized.  And apologized again.  I apologized in every way I knew how.  I made an ass out of myself apologizing even though it wasn't all my fault.  Did you ever apologize?  Did you ever admit your faults or did you just blame everything on me?  On my behavior? 

It seems I'm always the one to apologize.  Why you ask?  Because I want you to like me.  I want him to like me.  I want her to like me.  If I look deep within myself I know my fear of rejection, my need to be loved, stems from the rejection I received at the beginning of my life.  I've been trying to make everyone else love me because that one person didn't.  Except today I don't want to dig that deep.  Today I want to skim the surface so you should love me because I'm lovable and loyal and a god damn good friend. 

I know I have my faults.  I'm hard headed.  I'm demanding.  I'm foul mouthed.  I have high expectations and act an ass when those expectations aren't met.  I'm spoiled.  And I think I'm a princess.  Fuck that, I KNOW I'm a princess.   But with all of that I'm still the person who will listen to you bitch about your job, your health, the girl or guy who dumped you.  I'll answer the phone at 3 a.m. because you need me to.  I'll send you stupid emails just to try to make you laugh.  I'll stand beside you no matter what.  See here's the thing... I may get mad and tell you to fuck off but pretty quickly after I'll apologize and do anything I can to prove myself as a friend.  I've never walked away from someone for forever.  Everyone has always gotten a second chance with me.  Why do you think all those boys I used to date, all the ones who broke my heart, still think they can come around?  Because no matter how tough and bitchy I come across I still have a huge capacity for love and forgiveness.

Except for you.  You are no longer worth my tears.

Comments

[MPA]

Powerful post, wow.

I hope sharing this has helped you in some way... all I can say is that people who make you feel like this don't deserve your tears.

[The Diva Tee's Thoughts]

Very well written!

[paganmonstersuz]

Harsh. They must have really done a job on you. Plow through it with your head held high.

[IndigoBlue]

Hey, Lola. Hope you are feeling better. I can so identify with this post. I'm the chick who secretly wished her husband would choke to death when he was hacking a lung up with bronchitis....well, I finally kicked his ass out. He wants a second chance. He fails to realize he's had a million second chances already. He's no longer worth my tears.

[freshmattyp]

Lola, the ones worth your tears are the ones who pick up the phone at 3 am when you are the one calling. Remember that.

[Behind The Curve]

I relate to every word. Amazing post.

[rach]

Whoah, that post kicked ass, I really get what you are saying. So many times we keep giving and then you reach a point where you have to stop the other person taking all the time.
Great writing Lola

[Nikki]

I am feeling your pain. i will read this post over and over until it sinks in for me too. I too have never walked away from someone forever- and have yet to understand how someone could do that to someone they loved. but i need to do it- because he already has. forever