I Think There May Be Something Seriously Wrong With Me

A Part Yet Not A Part

Yesterday I received an email concerning my judgment of myself.  It was a very nice email from a very nice person whose opinion means a quite a deal to me.  I know I judge myself harshly.  I know that sometimes I see myself as "less than" but I really think it has quite a lot to do with my family circumstances.  Yes, I do have a family that loves me very much.  Adores me.  Some might say worships the ground I walk on and most days that is enough but sometimes it isn't.

The SAM has a sister, actually a half sister whom we will call Mean Mother-In-Law for the purpose of this story.  MMIL's father died when she was two and then she was raised by The SAM's father.  The SAM's mother and father had two children together.  The fact that she is The SAM's half sister makes the story I'm about to tell all the more ironic.  She has a son (S) who has a new wife (K).  The first time I met K was over the holidays.  S and K were staying at our house over New Year's.  Their being at our house made things very interesting.

The SAM has gotten tickets to the Gator Bowl for all the boys and we were discussing my attempt to round up tickets before The SAM had gotten his hands on some.  The person from whom I had requested the tickets is a Republican and he made me promise to tell The Mommy that the tickets were coming from a Republican.  Long story short I was telling this story, inter weaved with another story, to K and I said something about "so my mom has to be nice to Republicans in Florida now."  She seemed confused.   Eventually she said, "But your mom lives in {State Withheld}."

I just sat there unsure of what to do.  It was obvious K didn't know The Mommy is my mom.  So I told her.  She couldn't believe her husband hadn't told her.  In fact, she was certain her husband told her I was The Mommy's sister.  All I could say was, "Well I'm not.  She's my mom.  Little Brother is my little brother.  And that's that."  The next day she told me S had no idea about any of it.  She also told me, "But Mean Mother-in-Law always makes such a point about Little Brother being an only child and how she wishes he had a brother or a sister."  She then proceeded to tell me a few stories that Mean Mother-In-Law had told her.  When I was first mentioned to K, MMIL said, "You know she's adopted."  Well yes, my grandparents did adopt me but whether I was adopted by a member of my blood family or some stranger it doesn't make me any less family.  MMIL weaved a tale about how she had convinced The SAM and The Mommy to go to Spain to spend Christmas with Little Brother because they had no other family to be with.  She also made a comment about how much money her brother spent on me for Christmas and how nice it was for him to take care of The Mommy's sister the way he does.

Now I know this is a confusing story... hell think about how confusing it is for me and I'm living it.  This woman KNOWS I'm The Mommy's daughter.  This woman KNOWS Little Brother is not an only child.  This woman KNOWS the whole fucking story and yet she still likes to pretend that Little Brother is an only child and I'm just the poor adopted kid they picked up off the streets.  (Seriously, she treats me pretty crappy whenever I see her.) S asked Little Brother about it and Little Brother was pretty shocked.  He just thought everyone knew.  He was also pretty pissed that everyone didn't know that he "had to share his family with that brat."  (He was kidding about the having to share part but the brat part - not so much.)  Little Brother told me, "I have a sister and that's all that matters to me."

Now here's the thing.  I did not know I was The Mommy's daughter until I was 12.  She is still friends with people who knew her from before.  Sometimes people call me her sister and others call me her daughter.  She told me after this latest incident, which really upset me because seriously if anyone is going to be an only child it's going to be me, that she would send out a Birth Announcement if it would make me happy.  She would inform all her friends and relatives that I was her daughter.  I declined but the offer was sweet.

It hurt my feelings because MMIL knows who I am and has known from the day The SAM and The Mommy decided to get married, yet she denies me my place in that family.  My biological father knows who I am yet he rejected me from the very beginning.  The people who are technically my mom and dad feel like grandparents to me and they always have, even when I didn't know that they were actually my grandparents.  I think all this has led me to be someone who tries to please too many people for fear they won't like love me.  I try to be the best and the brightest and the funniest so they will love me.  I have to be a part of the whole.  I no longer want to be a part yet not a part.

So yes I have judged myself harshly in the past because I don't want any of them to regret keeping me.  And that's why it was so good to to say that I eat frosting right out of the tub and I burp loudly and I poot and I read tabloid magazines sometimes.  The ones who love me will always love me and the ones who try to take that away by being mean and petty are just sad and pathetic.*

*I know this is a rambling post and might not make much sense but it felt good for me to write while I cried it all out.  It's hard being a granddaughter/daughter, daughter/sister, sister/aunt.  It's enough to make a crazy girl go off the deep end.

The Most Beautiful Words In The World

Every once in a while, in a moment of weakness or perhaps perfect clarity, I admit something embarrassing to someone who I'd rather have think of me in only glowing terms. 

Recently I had an interesting conversation with someone about happiness, unhappiness, and being able to function in society.  I actually admitted that when I'm unhappy I lie in bed and eat cream cheese frosting straight out the tub.  He replied, "I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating cream cheese frosting."

I think that single women, or maybe it's just me, have the misconception that we always have to be "on."  We have to be pretty and thin and pleasant and ladylike.  I admitted something completely disgusting, or perhaps just pathetic, and it was OK.  I mean it's seriously disgusting to eat cream cheese frosting right out of the tub and it wasn't a big deal.  So here's some more truths.

Sometimes...

I go a whole day without bathing.

I burp, loudly, when I'm alone.  I like to see how loud I can be.

I would rather read Star magazine than The New Yorker.

I poot.

I act unintelligent so I don't have to engage in conversation.

I snort when I cry.

AND SOMETIMES I EAT CREAM CHEESE FROSTING RIGHT OUT OF THE TUB AND I'M OK WITH IT.

Thank You Jesus For Allowing Me To Stay Single

A lot of time has been spent on this blog bitching about dating or dates or evil boys or stupid boys or whining about not having a husband.  I don't really consider this blog a "dating" blog per se but I can see why some people might classify it as such.  I'm OK with that.  I consider it more a blog about my crazy life.  I would like to have a significant other eventually or at least have sex again sometime before 2010.  however something happened this weekend that made me say, "Thank you Jesus for allowing me to stay single."

The Bitch, who has been mentioned on this blog before, celebrated a birthday this past weekend.  Many, many weeks ago we made plans to go out for a birthday dinner.  The celebrants were to include The Bitch, Irresponsible Boyfriend, my date, and myself.  Somehow between when the plans were made and Saturday I misplaced my date.  I tried to convince J to go with me but he basically told me he'd rather eat nothing but his own shit for a month than be subjected to dinner with The Bitch and Irresponsible Boyfriend.  I tried to beg off of dinner since I did not have a date and would be the third wheel.  The Bitch was having none of it.  It was her birthday and I was going damn it!

Now before you get the wrong idea, for the most part I adore The Bitch.  We have been friends for a very long time and seen each other through a great many ups and downs.  I do not, however, like Irresponsible Boyfriend.  I think that The Bitch is settling.  I think she is afraid no one else will come along.  (And this comes from a girl who got engaged for almost that very reason.)  I could give you all the reasons but  I'll only give you the highlights.  The Bitch lost her mother a few years ago and she moved in with her widowed father for a short time because he was ill.  Irresponsible Boyfriend's roommate moved out and he couldn't afford the rent by his self so he actually called The Bitch's father to see if it would be OK for him to stay with them for a little while.  A little while turned into seven months.  Irresponsible Boyfriend has three children.  His wages had to be garnished to get him to pay child support.  The Bitch is constantly telling me his is broke yet he sends her flowers and buys her nice presents.  YET HIS KIDS GET NO MONEY UNLESS IT COMES RIGHT OUT OF HIS PAYCHECK.  I've tried to get her to dump him but it hasn't worked.  She's in looooooove.  I worry about her because she really wants to have kids, at least two, and I just don't see how this whole thing is going to work.

We went to dinner at a Brazilian churrascaria.  Have you ever been to one of these places to eat?  First of all it isn't cheap.  Second of all, it is a complete orgy of meat.  No one, unless they are anorexic and need to put on some weight, should be eating at these places.  Food comes at you from all sides.  And drinks.  And dessert.  As I sat there eating I could actually feel myself gaining weight which made me have flashes of what is going to happen to me if Huckabee becomes president.  So we are eating and Irresponsible Boyfriend wants to order a bottle of wine.  Now I'm not a wine connoisseur but I know enough to know you don't order Vino Verde in the winter and you really don't order white to go with an orgy of red meat.  The Bitch suggests a nice red but he orders a more expensive bottle than the one she suggested.  When I politely refused a glass he says, "But I ordered a bottle for us."  I, politely as possible, explained that red wine not only gave me headache but the sulfites were bad for my asthma.  (This is all true but also I just don't like the taste of red wine.)  He really tried to push the wine on me.  I wasn't happy because I don't like people to think they can bully me.

I haven't spent a lot of time around them as a couple because a) I can't stand him and b) our schedules are completely different.  I watched them during dinner and I noticed my friend is not the same person with him as she is when he isn't around.  She said a couple of things at dinner that he didn't agree with and she said, "Oh your right honey."  WHAT THE FUCK?  Just a blanket "oh your right" without him having to explain his position or anything.  She received a slice of meat that he thought was too raw.  He said, "Babe that is too raw for you to eat."  She didn't eat it.  This is a girl who I'm sure I've seen eat a piece of meat that might possibly have still been mooing.  I asked her who she thought she might vote for and HE said, "We are voting for McCain if he gets the nomination."  Hmmmm, what's with this "we" shit?  Then we discussed the fact that The Bitch's dad is paying for her stepbrother's honeymoon.  (Her dad has been remarried for about a year and a half.)  Irresponsible Boyfriend says, "We will pick a really good place to go on our honeymoon since your dad is paying."  My mouth literally flew open.  How can he just assume her dad will pay and who has the balls to say that kind of shit?  AND WHEN THE FUCK DID THEY DECIDE THEY WERE GETTING MARRIED?  She wanted to order dessert and he said, "Are you sure?  We did have a big meal."  He might as well have said "Honey your fat."  I ordered dessert just to spite him.

The check came.  Irresponsible Boyfriend grabbed it, looked at me and said, "Don't even think about it."  Now I have a couple of problems with this.  I was supposed to have a date who would have, ostensibly, paid for my meal.  I don't think Irresponsible Boyfriend should have to pay for me just because I couldn't hang on to my date.  Another thing is I know he isn't financially stable.  (I probably shouldn't know this but girlfriends do talk.)  I feel if he pays it will be taking money away from his kids and that makes me feel shitty.  I protested and he actually said, "It's already decided so just shut up about it."  What am I five?  Was he going to send me to my room if I disobeyed?  Plus no one talks to me like that.  Ever.  But I figured if he was dumb enough to spend the money on the meal just so it gave me the illusion he could take care of my friend then have at it.

Driving home he thought The Bitch was going to fast.  he said, "Babe you need to slow down."  She said, "I'm only going 45."  He said, "We are in a 40.  Slow down!"  And I've just given you the highlights of his assholery.  I'm completely surprised I didn't drink myself into a stupor or start a fistfight with him.  So they dropped me off at home.  I went into the house more than slightly buzzed, masturbated, and thought to myself, "Thank you Jesus for allowing me to stay single."  Seriously, I would rather masturbate and be alone than have to put up with that bullshit. 

 

Judgment

Between the comments on the last two posts and a few emails I receive it became clear to me that a few people felt I was too quick to judge Boat Guy.  Or perhaps they were just playing devil's advocate.  I truly attempt not to be too judgmental in my life... live and let live.  However all of us are judgmental at one time or another.  If you say you aren't then you are liar. 

I did judge Boat Guy.  I freely admit it.  He was born and raised in the South.  His family was all born and bred in the South.  He went to a "good ol boys" college and was a member of a "good ol boys" fraternity.  He lives in a city where approximately 57% of the population is black.  He lives in a city where there is a common joke about their transit authority.  So yes, from all the knowledge I had of him I judged him when he used that word.

Of course all those same things hold true for me.  Except my city's percentage of blacks is slightly higher, our transit system doesn't have a "cute" little nickname, and I didn't go to a "good ol boys" college.  Everything else is the same.  (I was a little sis for a notorious "good ol boys" frat.)  And this is why I judged him.  Instinctively when he used that word I knew.  I KNEW.  This wasn't a reclaiming or a brain cramp or a slip, if that's even possible with that word, he meant it in a very derogatory way.

Now let's address another subject.  When I post here I don't always share the whole story.  Many times I don't share the whole story.  Sometimes I don't have the time and others I don't have the inclination.  Sometimes I get bored with what I'm writing and others I just don't feel like sharing.  Some of you assumed I just wrote the guy off without asking any questions.  I suppose, in some ways, it's a fair assumption.  But rest assured, the conversation did go further than what I posted but I'm pretty sure I would have kicked him to the curb even if it hadn't.

And Murph, I've been doing some research on Croatian beaches but where would you take me to live in the winter?

Content Of Our Character

Every so often I am privileged enough to post something here that is not only well written but also touches my soul and this piece touches my soul simply because it is so well written.  I only wish this author would use his power for good more often.

Murphy’s Lawyer here. Regular readers of Lola’s musings may have seen an occasional wise-ass comment from me, or - he types with pride - a post in which the lady bestowed on me whatever part of my fifteen minutes of fame comes from being mentioned here.

When I read this, it was not lost on me that it was posted on the day the nation sets aside to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Birthday (besides, I had to focus on something other than the fact that she’d gone on a date with someone else - I mean, I’m sure I’ll get to {City Withheld} eventually, and then our until-now-electronically-limited love will bloom).

Anyway, one of the commenters posited that maybe Boat Guy was just trying to be hip by using an epithet that had been "reclaimed" by our increasingly coarse society and entertainment. Lola pointed out that this person was a contemporary of hers, and that anyone his age knew that the "N" word, especially coming from a white person, was never anything other than a pejorative term. I’m older than both of them, and it was pretty obvious to me listening to Richard Pryor tapes in high school that his use of the word might have been acceptable in the context in which he was using it, but that any attempt by me to retell the joke - not to mention uttering an insulting, derogatory reference such as the one used by Boat Guy - could never, ever be appropriate.

Before his trip to Mecca and his conversion to orthodox Islam that taught him white men could be his brother, Malcolm X used to say that for his own safety he'd rather encounter a southern racist - whose hatred would be right out there for all to see - than a northern racist any day. Since Malcolm’s time, the South has changed in many ways, and perhaps the most profound improvement has been that overt racial animus has largely disappeared from polite public discourse. Not that "race," as an essential and inescapable filter of life for Southerners of all races, has gone away. Obviously, great strides have been made in the kind of societal integration Dr. King gave his life trying to foster, and it’s hard to imagine that even forward thinkers like Dr. King and Malcolm could have envisioned a phenomenon like Barack Obama.

A friend of mine is a Georgia Democrat - now you want to talk about minorities - and he’s convinced that if Obama is the Democratic nominee, he’ll win Georgia, and has a shot at taking multiple states in the South. Besides being extremely smart, my friend has a gut-level appreciation for the ins and outs of Georgia politics than a gloomy old Yankee like me could ever have, so maybe he’s right. I want him to be right, at any rate. I’m just not sure he is, though, and Boat Guy is why.

In the last weeks of the 2006 mid-term elections, I volunteered on the Senate campaign of Harold Ford, Jr. Congressman Ford lost in a very close race, but it was an extremely well-run campaign that people with far greater knowledge of politics than I have say will be written about for years. Being a Northerner, and more to the point a cynic, and despite knowing plenty of contemporary Southerners, I expected the good people of Tennessee to be pretty close to the Southerners Malcolm talked about when it came to Ford. Many of the Southerners I’ve met in the relatively enlightened last 30 years have been the kind of people that Richard Nixon’s notorious "Southern Strategy" was designed to attract, or at best were comforted by the somewhat more subtle code used by Ronald Reagan in kicking off his presidential campaign in Philadelphia, MS.

While I was pleasantly surprised by the low level of racial - in all its negative connotations - overtones I observed in Tennessee, in the end I was forced to conclude that a majority of Tennessee voters were just always going to vote for the genial, but utterly unspectacular, cardboard cut-out Republican Corker over the handsome, charismatic, and articulate Democrat Ford.

Now, if anything, Obama is a more attractive candidate for the Presidency than Ford was for the U.S. Senate. He’s a better speaker, and more to the point, he seems more willing to speak his mind in situations where there are holders of entrenched viewpoints who might be put off by his positions. That Senator Obama is a viable and plausible choice for the Office of President of the United States is surely a sign that we have progressed as a people. Dr. King’s dream of a better day might come to its fruition in what would surely be a transformational historical moment. He just has to win over a bunch of Americans like Boat Guy, or at least the Silent Majority who might think that what he said wasn’t that out-of-line.

For what it’s worth, I possess no special insight about who the Democratic nominee will turn out to be. Any of the top three – I’m enough of a curmudgeonly Neo-New Dealer to appreciate the piss and vinegar John Edwards is spewing - would be just fine by me. I gladly would have voted for Senator Biden, Senator Dodd, or Governor Richardson, too. I kind of like that Congressman Kucinich would try to use the bully pulpit of the presidential campaign to push an unabashedly liberal agenda, but maybe it's time for him to go back to has freakishly lovely wife and talking about UFOs. Mike Gravel should be making videos to be shown on the walls of German discos.

In order for whoever Democrats nominate to win, he or she will have to win over a lot of independents who, inexplicably, chose George Bush twice in the last two presidential elections. That means looking for votes from among small business owners, who maybe aren’t overwhelmingly partisan but tend to vote Republican; the genuinely unaffiliated, who are probably gettable, but for God’s sake, have you forgotten already that these fish-nor-fowlers voted for Dubya...TWICE!?!; and people like Boat Guy. Maybe this bonehead, and his ilk, wherever they live, just feel entitled to use hip-hop slang. Unfortunately, I’m afraid the freedom this guy felt to drop the "N" word into conversation in 2008 - on a first date, no less - spells trouble for any Democrat in the general election, and perhaps most especially for the junior senator from Illinois.

Lola my passport's in order.  And don't be so quick to poo-poo Croatia...

Bye Bye Boat Guy

Boat Guy comes to {City Withheld} about twice a month.  Since he does frequent my city quite often I thought it might be OK to try him on.  We had good chemistry on the plane and great banter when we emailed or talked on the phone, which we did quite often since we met.  This weekend was our first official date.  I'm pretty sure there won't be another one.

I know quite often I come across as pretty materialistic sometimes in this blog what with my wish list and the "products" I love and even talking about Boat Guy and his big boat.  I can be materialistic and shallow and all those things but I don't think I'm so far gone as to actually make choices about men that are dependent on his wealth.  If the person isn't a good person then no amount of money is going to make them attractive to me.  OK they might be attractive to me on a superficial level but I'm not going to date them.

Sunday I had brunch with the girls.  My friend CC was in town from California.  I haven't seen CC for a while.  She married well and moved away a while ago and doesn't come back to {City Withheld} very often.  When we were in our early twenties she once told me to pick between two guys by whoever had the better car and the better job.  So I was explaining what went down with Boat Guy and how I was disappointed but more than likely wouldn't be seeing him again.  CC said, "Lola you have to start thinking about your age.  You can't just give up because he said something offensive.  He owns his own company and a boat!  You really should reconsider."  I sat there a little stunned because what he had so was so offensive to me I couldn't believe anyone I knew would think it was OK to still even consider dating this guy.

Here's what happened.  After a pleasant dinner we went somewhere for drinks.  We bantered a bit about football.  We talked about his job and my lack of one.  Then somehow we got onto politics.  I know, I know... very touchy subject and I should have avoided it at all cost but I suppose I've been very vocal about my hatred for Huckabee to all the people I know.  Somehow I guess I had never made it clear who I wanted to be the next president.  He said, "I suppose you are voting for Hillary?"  I replied, "No, god no.  I want Obama."  He responded, "He might become President if all the {very nasty word} vote for him."

How did I miss this?  So bye bye Boat Guy because no boat, no matter how big, can make up for a huge gaping hole in your soul.  I think I may have to break with CC too.

Dream Weaver

Last night I dreamed of The Boy.  It's been an awfully long time since that has happened.  The last time I dreamed about him it was so real it made me very, very sad when I woke up.  Last night's dream just freaked me the fuck out.

I dreamed he had a blog and it was all about me.  There wasn't one single post that wasn't about me.  Me, me, me.  And I found out about it because one of the B Named Boys emailed me the link because they thought the girl in the blog sounded like me.

In the dream I called The Boy to ask him about the blog.  (I'm unsure how I knew his phone number but I did.)  He would only speak Spanish to me.  I kept screaming "No hablo espanol" which is really weird because I do speak Spanish... at least a little bit... but in the dream I couldn't understand one word he was saying.  Not one word.

What does it all mean?

Politics Part II

My friend Murph, who I think would make an excellent husband for me, sent me this.  Go on, read it, I'll wait.  Done?  Good.  I sent the article to my friend S, who is a Republican.  Yes, I am friends with some Republicans.  This is what she emailed me.

I heart Huckabee and I heart the Bible and so I would be fine with that.

I'm appalled.  With intelligent people thinking like this, and I do think my friend S is intelligent (politics aside), this man just might become the fucking president.  I've got to start planning my exit strategy.

Politics

I don't spend much time on this blog talking about politics.  Whining about my life is just much more fun.  Besides, I think everyone knows I'm pretty much a raging liberal and that's all you really need to know.  Sometimes I make certain statements about other people's political affiliations but I really sort of just stay on my side of the fence and try (though it is hard sometimes) to respect the views of other people.  That being said, Mike Huckabee scares the ever living shit out of me.

As I watched, a few weeks ago, Mr. Huckabee win the Iowa caucus I was struck with a deep fear of what the United States would be like if he actually became president.  It just cannot happen.

In 1992, when he was running for Senate, Mr. Huckabee stated he thought AIDS patients should be isolated.  He recently (December 2007)defended those 1992 comments by stating, "Medical protocol typically says that if you have a disease for which there is no cure, and you are uncertain about the transmission of it, then the first thing you do is that you quarantine or isolate carriers."  However in 1992 the medical community did know AIDS could not be transmitted by casual contact.  Around the same time he stated that "homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk."  Very intelligent guy huh?

Mike Huckabee used to be fat.  In fact he lost 105 pounds.  While he was governor his state instituted a policy of weighing and measuring public school children.  If the children were obese (or underweight) a letter was sent home to the parents.  This was part of a statewide strategy to improve the health of the children.  Now I'm all for making the children of the US healthier but I think weighing children at school just opens up a whole can of privacy issues and personal rights violations.  I also find it odd this practice started after Huckabee was no longer a fat ass.

I'm not a skinny girl.  I'm also not Star Jones even though I don't think there is anything wrong with her pre or post surgery.  And I also think you are only as fat as you think you are.  Some days I think I'm 700 pounds.  So I'm sitting there watching this man win the Iowa caucus and I start thinking about what will happen if he becomes president.  In my mind, I see Japanese style internment camps filled with the gays and the fatties.  (We all know anyone can get AIDS but somehow I think Huckabee still believes it's only a ho-mo-sex-U-al disease.)  I see myself sticking my fingers through the holes in the fence begging, "Give me some cheese please."  (I love cheese.)  The only upside I can see with this scenario is I would end up with fabulous hair and make-up tips.

This man cannot become president.  In fact I'll go so far as to say, and this is hard for me, vote for whoever you want to... Democrat, Republican, Independent, animal, vegetable, mineral... just don't vote for this asshole.  Please.

Damn Regret, I'll Try To Forget

This is part two of the little exercise I stole from Angry John Sellers.

Part one dealt with life changing events and I suppose some of my dating experiences could be thought of as life changing also but I wanted to separate the two posts. Pick three dating experiences you would go back and change if you had the power. It can't be "I wish so and so hadn't gotten married" because that's not really within your power to change. You have to pick three where your actions, if changed, might have changed the outcome.

#1 I would have never accepted News Producer's proposal. We weren't a good match and looking back I see that I accepted the proposal for all the wrong reasons. I did some damage to him and to myself with that relationship and it all stemmed from my desire to be settled. (OK maybe some of it stemmed from him lying about being an alcoholic but I take the brunt of the blame.)

#2 When The Boy asked me to move to California I would have gone. Instead of being responsible and thinking with my head I would have listened to my heart and gone right then. The outcome probably would have been exactly the same but perhaps not. Plus I would have gotten to live in California.

#3 There is a man who I didn't date because life and circumstances and distance got in the way. I would go back and do everything within my power to date him because I'd like to know wgat we could have been. I'd just like to know.

Your turn.

Regrets, I've Had A Few

I've stolen this little exercise from Angry John Sellers. His version has all sorts of rules about time limits and music and whatnot. I've modified it to make it my own. I thank him for spurring the idea in my crazy little brain.

I'm going to make this a two part post. The first is an exercise in life changing events. (The second will be about dating.) So pick three places in your life that you would go back to and change the outcome by actions all your own. It has to be something within your power to change. For instance, I wish my friend K hadn't died but it isn't within my power to change that experience.

I'll go first.

#1 When I was 14 I went to live with The Mommy, The SAM, and Little Brother. I lasted 7 months and pitched a fit and insisted on returning to {City Withheld}. If I could go back and change it I would have stuck it out. I would have tried harder and not been such a fucking bitch of a teenager.

#2 When choosing a college I stayed in {City Withheld} because of two boys, one my best friend and the other my boyfriend. If I could go back I would have gone to one of the other 47 colleges I applied to outside of {State Withheld}.

#3 I would have never left the house the night I got arrested in "The Devil Made Me Do It" pjammies.

Your turn.

This Husband Thing Might Work Out

Dear Auburn Fan,

I will be in {City Withheld} this weekend to go hunting. I was wondering if I could take you to dinner and discuss your horrible taste in football teams?

Boat Guy

Dear Boat Guy,

Unfortunately I am still on vacation and will not be in {City Withheld} when you come to shoot the poor helpless animals. Also, my taste in football teams is just fine. Perhaps if you come to {City Withheld} at a later date we can discuss your horrid political affiliations.

Auburn Fan

Dear Auburn Fan,

You are STILL on vacation? Didn't we meet mid-December? It figures that an Auburn fan would think I vote the wrong way. I'll be back in {City Withheld} at the end of the month. Will you be back from vacation?

Boat Guy

Dear Boat Guy,

I like to take very long vacations. You'd think a guy with a boat would appreciate that.

Auburn Fan

And so it goes...