Do We Ever Grow Up?

Last week I was thumbing through my local newspaper when I came across an article about someone I knew in high school being arrested for harassment.  I was slightly shocked but as I read the article my shock turned to sadness.  This person was pretty popular in high school.  We ran with the same crowd but weren't ever really close friends.  After high school I didn't really stay in contact with her.  After 9/11 I heard some disturbing things about this person.  She was worried people were watching her.  She thought the government and the pharmaceutical companies were drugging the general public through the food supply.  She thought the government was "in" on 9/11.  (She may not be so wrong on the last one.)  Basic conspiracy theory type stuff.  About 6 months ago Ex Sex ran into her and she asked him if he was part of the plot to have her murdered.  She thought another former high school friend was plotting to kill her.  She also said God talks to her often.

It's obvious that there is more going on here than just some conspiracy theories.  I think, and have thought for some time now, that she might possibly be schizophrenic.  Of course I'm not a doctor but it doesn't take a genius to figure out something is wrong with her.  Anyway, she was arrested for sending threatening emails to city officials after receiving a camera ticket.  I can totally see how if you thought the government was involved in the murder of 1000's of countrymen you might be a little pissed off to open the mail and see that the government had "covertly" taken your picture.

I did not discuss her arrest with anyone I know except for my mom.  Two days ago I received an email from E.  It was the internet copy of the article about this girl's arrest.  He sent it to me and about 5 other people we went to high school with.  I did not respond.  Before the day was out there was a flurry of back and forth "Reply All" emails in my in box.  Each one got progressively worse making fun of this poor girl.  I still did not respond.  Finally someone said they had heard that her booking photo was in the paper.  (The photo was not included online.)  There was another flurry of emails about how they had to get a hold of that picture.  I still did not respond.

Yesterday I woke up to another email from E.  He had obtained the actually newspaper article, scanned it in, and emailed it to a bunch of us.  He labeled it "nutjob."  With that I lost it.  I emailed E and CC'd everyone else with something along the lines of "Do we really need to make fun of this poor girl?  What are we... 12?  She obviously has an illness."  A few people said they weren't actually making fun of her and E said from now on he was labeling me Princess Whack Job.

I know, at times, I'm really snarky and do make fun of people.  Hell, I've spent most of this week making fun of those tailgaters at the hospital to anyone that would listen.  I'm not saying I'm any better than anyone else.  And to be honest, I don't know why this has bothered me so much.  I think maybe part of it is that I know this girl is sick.  She cannot help that something is off in her mind. 

I guess I was just really shocked that a group of thirty-somethings reverted to basic high school behavior when presented with something like this.  If they wanted to make fun of me for being arrested in my pajamas they could have at it.  I deserve to be made fun of.  I did something so fucking idiotic one can't help but make fun of it.  If they want to make fun of the guy that got so drunk he peed all over his girlfriend's closet then go for it.  He deserves to be made fun of.  If I want to make fun of E for being a completely mannerless dickhead last summer then that is my right because he deserves it.  But to make fun of someone for having a mental illness is a bit much even for me.

One of the people involved in this whole thing is a very dear friend of mine.  (The others are peripheral friends who I maybe speak to once a year if that.)  I was a little disturbed to see her involved.  She is one of the most good hearted people I know yet she was right in there in the mix.  It got me to thinking...  When presented with a group of high school friends do we all revert back to our high school personalities?  Do we ever really grow up?

Comments

[Tug]

Wow. GOOD FOR YOU Lola, seriously. Someone needed to put a stop to it, and whether you actually accomplished that or not, at least you let them know they're immaturity just.isn't.right.

Of course you know now they are probably sending around emails, with me out of the loop, making fun of me.

[star]

Some of us do.

Maybe someday I'll get there too.

[IndigoBlue]

I know what you mean. A friend of mine from high school was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when we were in our 20's. You'd never meet a nicer guy. All the girls swooned over him, he never had a mean word for anyone, was a gifted athlete and just all around nice guy. Then boom. He began hearing voices and was well enough to know that it wasn't normal. That's what was hard for him. He knew it wasn't real, but he couldn't stop the voices, the paranoia and the urges. He was the live in boyfriend of a girl I worked with when he started to get sick. We didn't know what was wrong with him at the time. He was acting so strangely, she eventually moved out. He ended up losing his job, his apartment, his driving privileges (due to the meds). He had to move home with his parents. He eventually hung himself. He was about 24 at the time. I was so incredibly sad for the world to have lost such a wonderful person. Then I ran into a bunch of asshats shortly after his funeral at a club who were all talking about how he was a crazy psycho, etc. and no one, not even his best friend, stood up for him. Until I did. Later, his best friend (who wasn't making fun of him, just didn't stand up to the others) thanked me and told me he felt like a coward for not having stood up for him. I think we tend to revert back to the dynamic we had when we were back in high school when we return to that group. That's why I think high school reunions are so cringeworthy. Sorry for the lengthy post. Sorry about your friend, too.

In my experience it does seem that people revert back to the high school dynamic when presented with a group of people they haven't seen for years.

[Dating Trooper]

Well, at least YOU grew up. A very similar thing happened with our cheerleader captain about 7 years out of high school. She started getting paranoid, accusing her friends of conspiring against her, etc. I'd heard bits and pieces and, even though I never really liked her in h.s., I felt sad for her since it was obvious that she she was battling mental illness. She refused help and was soon found dead - "accidentally" drowned in her family's backyard pool. I don't think I heard anyone laughing then. Hope your friend gets help and those other "kids" grow up soon.

Oh I don't think I'm a grown up even half of the time, I just happened to find my grown-up self in this situation.

[Jaclyn]

I don't know the entire situation here, but is it possible that they did not realize that this girl was suffering from a mental illness? If they knew, then they absolutely deserved to be smacked down and you did a very brave and wonderful thing.

The people involved in this know she has a mental illness. I guess it's possible they didn't actually know but they all knew, for years, about her behavior and that she thought God talked to her and that she thought people were trying to murder her. It seems pretty obvious to me those are clear signs of a mental illness... maybe it wasn't clear to them.

[Murph]

With all due respect to Star, and pardon the descent into psychobabble, but it seems to me that some people act like grown-ups most of the time, and most people act like grown-ups some of the time. A few people never do. Almost everyone I know, or even have those I've just observed casually, act like the most petulant and irrational children at least some of the time, or when presented with circumstances that wouldn't have the slightest impact on another person.

We're all adult/children on some sort of continuum, and probably from day to day react differently based on whether anyone in the office made coffee or if got cut off in traffic or had a pedestrian walk in front of them when they had a green light and the pedestrian had a Don't Walk sign (oh, sorry, those are two of the things that make me act like a frickin' 12-year old with a really salty vocabulary).

Anyway, making fun of an old friend or acquaintance is crappy - but find me a person in his or her 30s, 40s, or 90s who hasn't done it at least once. Hell, we make fun of people we don't know who are demonstrably crazy all the time, and we never stop to consider that those particular nutjobs are somebody's sons/daughters/parents/friends/whatever.

Congrats to Lola for taking the high road, but let's not kid ourselves. Underneath the grey hair and middle-aged spread, we're all kids...

My point is that I know we all act like children but I think basic human decency prevents most people, or should prevent most people, from making fun of the mentally ill. I'm hard-pressed to believe that you actually make fun of certifiable nutjobs.

[Murph]

You forget the work I do. I'm surrounded by - and generally opposed by - certifiable nutjobs. Do you think I'm silent at work?

Point taken.

[TMC]

We all grow up. I'm a prime example.

And here all this time I thought you were just a prime example of man meat.