I Think There May Be Something Seriously Wrong With Me

Ask Lola - How Do I Stop

Obviously I know that I am not the only girl in the world with boy problems but sometimes it feels like I am.  Recently I got an Ask Lola letter that made me remember there are other girls out there just like me.

Hi Lola,

I have enjoyed reading your blog for a while now.   I have never commented/posted/asked for advice but read your last post ending with wondering why no one asked you for your advice. 

I will try to make this as short as possible.  The good news is I have a therapist so I am not really counting on you much.  The problem with my therapist is that I don't go back in for a while and the last time I went in all we talked about was the election instead of me and my issues.   

Yesterday I was reminded that I have issues so here I am.   Ok so a year ago I was "dating" this creep.   I need to keep it simple so I will try not to delve into too much detail. We had been with each other off and on for a couple of years but from 06-07 we spent lots of time together.   It was very uncommitted but I sort of adored him even though it made no sense.  It was not a healthy relationship at all.  I know it is for the best that it is over now but it does not keep me from having meltdowns like yesterday.

We ended when he met this girl.  I was so stupid deep down I just thought he could never meet anyone better than me.  Prettier? Sure.  Smarter? Yes. Funnier? Probably not.  I just thought he'd never have the same fun we had with anyone else.   But he met this girl who was/is prettier but I can't say much more than that.  It is not about her so I will try to keep my description of her brief.  I just can't really like her though.  (I edited out information about the other girl because I did not want letter writer identified.)   

So here I guess is where I want your advice how do I stop feeling so bad about this.  How do I stop being mad at myself for being such a fool thinking we had something?  Thinking he was just not ready for something real?  He was ready just not with me.  How do I stop wasting time feeling sad about something that was never really existed?  When do I stop thinking ok a year ago this time I was doing this??  Why do I let myself think that way?  What is wrong with me??  I need to move on and sometimes I feel like I have moved on but then others I don't.

Last night I ended up someplace where the last time I’d been was with him and her.   Before they were boyfriend/girlfriend.  I guess they were just flirting and interested.  I guess.   But what an IDIOT I was standing there talking to her trying to be nice and friendly not even realizing I was the fool. How stupid I was listening to him talk about her that night in bed!! (I edited out information about the other girl because I did not want the letter writer identified.)  I was laying there helping him work through deciding to date her. 

It just makes me so mad at myself.  They are this couple.  I am emailing some stranger on the Internet about this.  It is not like I want to be either one of them.  I don't.  I just wish I could get past it all.   It is like my self-esteem has just been sort of erased.  I don't understand why I've allowed it to happen.   

(Information about something the author did to get back at the guy which while VERY funny and pretty fucking smart I felt needed to be edited out because I do not want the letter writer to get in trouble.) 

I know my problems are not unique or really anything beyond PATHETIC. 

Dear Not Quite As Crazy As She May Feel,

Meltdowns, in my opinion are normal.  You have to grieve over the loss of the relationship and it is normal to feel a sense of betrayal.  No one but you can decide the appropriate amount of time to grieve.

It is ok to want to vomit after all this time.  I still want to vomit sometimes over The Boy.  I'll be going along all ok and shit and then BOOM it hits me.

I don't know how to tell you how to stop feeling bad about this.  If I knew the secret to that I'd be rich.  What I can say is you have to stop being mad at yourself.  You liked him and that clouded your judgment.  You aren't the first girl it has happened to and you won't be the last.  Love, or very strong like, makes perfectly sane people crazy.  Embrace your own unique brand of crazy and eventually you'll be able to move on.  You'll have good days and bad days but each day is yours.  If you feel like staying in bed all day one day then do it.  It's ok to feel crappy once in a while.

You do have to stop doing the vindictive thing.  You know what thing I am talking about.  Karma is a bitch.  Somehow it will come back around to you but I give you kudos for being so ingenious.

And you aren't pathetic... just a girl who was fucked over.

Lola

The letter writer then wrote me back and while I am not going to publish all of her letter I am going to publish some key passages because this girl is fucking funny.  Whoever left her was an ass and I think she should start her very own blog.

I do get scared about time passing and still thinking about things. But I am a LOT better than I was.   Last summer I was looking all over for a good lobotomy center.   NO not a full lobotomy.  I’m not crazy.  Just a partial one.  I kept imagining taking some days off from work for my procedure then coming back and just being a little different.   Like only being able to carry on a conversation by repeating what others said to me.   "Good morning, have you had a chance to finish up those reports"   "Good morning I’ve had a chance to finish the reports"   

I could try to come up with a better problem more post worthy if you want.   KLEPTOMANIA!!  I like that one.  Or I could say I worked for the Emperor's Club prostitution ring and now I’m worried b/c I’ve not only lost my high paying job but I might be facing prosecution. 

Seriously I like this girl.  I hope she starts a blog. 

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist and I do not play one on tv but I have lots of opinions and adore sharing them. Follow the advice at your own risk. If you read the blog much you know I suck at pretty much everything but shopping.

Ask Lola - Forgiveness

Honestly this one was a hard one to answer. It hurts me very deeply when there is someone out there who holds a grudge against me. I think this is because I am so quick to forgive people. (Forgive, not forget.) Also I’m pretty much a bitch who rants too so I don’t actually see anything wrong with ranting. Hopefully you, the readers, can have some better advice for the writer of the letter.

Dear Lola,

I have two people in my life who hold grudges and don't forgive.  I wasn't a good enough mother, and I am a bitch who sometimes rants.
What would you do?

First of all there is nothing wrong with being a bitch sometimes who rants.  Not one god damn thing! 

As far as being a good enough mother, is someone telling you that you weren’t a good enough mother or do you feel that you weren't a good enough mother?  What I'm trying to say is are you just beating yourself up or do you really have something to make up for?  My mother and I had a very rocky relationship for a great many years.  I know that may be hard to believe if you've read my blog for very long but it is true.  Because of the circumstances of my upbringing I had a lot of anger.  A LOT OF ANGER.  As for her, suddenly she had a teenager on her hands and an angry one at that.  She wasn't very good at being a mother to an angry teenager and I was a really shitty kid.  In fact I'm not sure we really fell into a "good" relationship until my mid-twenties, maybe later.  My point is that it took work and time.  I'm still angry sometimes but we work through it.  I try really hard to be a good daughter and she tries really hard to be a good mother.  I don't know how old your child is but maybe it will get better with age.  You just have to do the best you can from this day forward to make an effort.  Don't keep apologizing, to the kid or to yourself, because apologies are a dime a dozen.  Just do the best you can beginning today.

You can only be the best person you can be.  If you did something wrong then just do what you can from here on out to make it better.  I don't know the whole story because your email was rather brief but I personally don't think people can hold grudges forever.  And people who don't forgive, eventually, are assholes.

All you can do is love yourself and hopefully everyone else will follow.

Ask Lola - Mascara

I'm still on my little mini-break/mental health holiday but this came in last night and it's a pretty simple post on a subject I adore.

Lola,

I've been reading your blog for a few months.  I especially enjoy you post on beauty products.  I use Maybelline Great Lash mascara, the one in the green and pink tube everybody swears by.  I've been thinking about switching to a new brand.  What do you recommend?

OOOOOOOO I adore mascara!  Seriously.  I would by new mascara every day if I could afford it because your lashes never look better than with that very first application.  Of course that's not possible so I do the next best thing... I switch up mascara almost every single day.

No offense but I hate Great Lash.  I truly do not see what the big deal is.  It does nothing for my lashes.  I bought a tube, used it once, and threw it away.  I know people who think it's the best mascara every created but I just don't get it.

Before I tell you about mascara let me just say this, I do not (normally) use mascara that curls nor do I use waterproof mascara.  If you are in the market for one of those I can't help you.  I also throw away any mascara that requires me to use a lash comb.  I don't have time for that shit.  I should also tell you that none of these mascaras have been used on my bottom lashes.  I don't ever wear mascara on my bottom lashes so these are strictly top lash opinions.  That being said, here it goes.

Currently in my make-up drawer(s) I have 11 mascaras.  These are not old mascaras that have been in there for 17 months either.  They are all relatively newish.  In no particular order:

Tarte Lights Camera Action - This one does curl.  I really wasn't paying attention when it I bought it and didn't know it curled.  I like the brush and the my lashes look pretty good when I use it.  No clumps.  No raccoon eyes.  But it makes my lashes dry.

L'Oreal HIP High Drama - Well you know I have to try a mascara named High Drama.  Very black pigment.  No flaking.  Lush lashes that stayed soft.  A little hard to remove at the end of the day but still a very nice mascara.

L'Oreal Telescopic - Not loving this one.  I should probably throw it away. Next.

Urban Decay Big Fatty - This mascara is wonderful if you are doing black eyeliner on top.  The brush is a little hard to maneuver because it is, well, big and fat.  I only use this when I'm using thick, black eyeliner on top because it hides the mistakes I make.  the mascara feels good on lashes and I always get compliment when I use it.

Dior Diorshow - Huge brush so it can be hard to navigate but it covers really nicely.  It gives you nice long lashes that are soft.  It thickens a bit as well.  It's pretty expensive though.

Dior Diorshow Blackout - You might wonder why I would have two Dior mascaras that by the name seem essentially the same.  They aren't.  I bought Blackout because I like black lashes.  Not brown lashes, not semi black, not "normal" black... i like the blackest black I can get.  This mascara does it.  When I use it I have very dramatic lashes.  Long, luscious, thick, separated, beautiful.  I only use it at night though because it might be a bit much during the day.

Bare Escentuals Double-Ended Mascara in Classic Black & Diamond Beautifully Luminous Lashes - OK you know I'm a member of the BE cult but I seriously am not a fan of their mascara.  This one came in a BE kit (Classic Rock Flawless Diamond) or it probably wouldn't be in my drawer(s).  It's an ok mascara but it doesn't pack the punch I want.  The silver end is sort of fun for a night out though.

Revlon 3D Extreme - Really one of the better mascaras I've tried.  The only problem is it holds too much product right out of the tube.  You must tissue off the excess before you go swiping it on.  It curls too but I surely didn't;t know that when I bought it.  I don't like curling mascaras because I think they dry your lashes out and make them feel crunchy.  This one didn't.  The size of the brush is nice for reaching those hard to reach lashes.  My lashes looked lovely.

Chanel Inimitable - This is pretty expensive as mascara goes but worth every freakin' penny.  My lashes look long and lush and dark.  They separate nicely.  It feels absolutely dreamy on my lashes.  Length, length, length galore!  My only complaint is that it doesn't add much volume.

Max Factor Volume Couture - This one really delivers fabulous lashes.  My lashes feel almost naked but look beautimous.  (That really is a word simply because I said so.)  The wand is plastic and I think I'm loving plastic wands more and more than traditional wands.  This mascara covers well and comes off easily.

Maybelline Define-A-Lash - Ok I know I said I hate Great Lash so you must be wondering why I would try another Maybelline mascara.  I don't know what caused me to pick this one up but I am so glad I did.  I find myself reaching for this one more than any of the others on a day to day basis.  The wand reaches all my lashes.  It dips down in the middle and for some reason that little dip causes my lashes to look incredible.  I had to get used to the brush and you do have to put the product on a little slower but the results are worth it.  Long, sensual lashes that make me feel like a superstar.

So there you have it.  Each person is different so you should find what works best for you.  I'm, obviously, always on the lookout for the next great mascara.  If money isn't a problem I'd buy the Chanel or the Diorshow and if it is then buy the Define-A-Lash.

Ask Lola - Psychology Of...

A Blowjob

I received this Ask Lola from someone who did a Google search on psychology of a blowjob. A lot of people find my blog from that very same search. I guess there are a ton of people out there who want to know why a girl is willing to suck dick. I’m pretty sure my advice on this one wasn’t that great.

Hi sorry i dont know you
came across ur blog and when I was searching on the psychology behind blow jobs ...

i am trying to figureout the need for a girl to do it .
my gf .. she does on it voluntarily ..
enjoys doing it .. and thinks by default i too will enjoy it ..
its like .. i know all these .. guys u all like it kind of stuff

she has been sexually active ...for a very long time than me .. and gets a high out or seducing
and enjoys bj and if i do anything similar to her ...

whats exactly in the mind
cud it be a habit .. since young age with boys
some sort of a penis envy thing
she seem to njoy the bj than me ..

maybe u cud ..elucidate

sorry if this is embarrasing .. but much appreciate ur insight

Then before I could answer I received a second email. (I always answer the Ask Lola’s by email way before I post them.)

hey ..just curious .. gone thru few things
66. I once drove 4 hours to see someone I loved for just an hour and then turned around and drove 4 hours home.

45. I have cried over someone I have never met.

55. Once, when I was depressed, I cooked an apple pie and ate the whole thing.

30. I am insecure and often try too hard to please people.

4. I like to give blowjobs. Very much. I think I am pretty good at it.

they all similar to my gf

are u an ISFP ...MBTI type by chance

she is sarcastic ...changes her decisions .. very often ... and blames others when under stress
are u able to relate to these

hey but i still like her a lot ... very childish .. and like a bird sometimes :)

Maybe she just likes doing it. It could be a power thing. She likes the power she has over men when she does it. I don't think it's penis envy. I can't even imagine how enjoying giving a blowjob could equate to penis envy. I don't think it's a habit. I mean perhaps but I just don't see it that way. If you don't enjoy it, which from the sounds of this email you don't, then just ask her not to do it anymore.

So readers what do y’all think?

Ask Lola - I Can't Come

I tried really hard to have some sex this weekend but I failed miserably.  I've already spanked myself and put myself in the corner for disappointing you.  However, I did receive two different emails from men asking about blowjobs.  Gotta love those search engines.  Anyway here is the first one.

I know something is wrong with me.

My wife and I have both had affairs. I was faithful husband, but after learning my wife cheated on me while I was deployed for 7 months, I began to stray myself. We finally came clean with each other about our affairs. Be careful fellas of wanting to know to much. Not only did she cheat while I was deployed, she fucked the guy in our house when I got back from the deployment. And on another occasion she sucked this soldiers dick and when describing what happened let it out that his dick damn near came to his knees. So to make a long story short I cant stop thinking about my beautiful wife sucking other dicks and letting them cum in her mouth. It affects me such much that I cannot cum when she sucks me off. She'll suck me for 4-5 minutes and thats it. It pisses me off that she wont go the extra mile for me, when I know she probably swallowed their loads. Any suggestions?? I do love her and believe she won't do it again because we had issues back then and I love with everything in me and I no longer stray.

I truly have no great response for this. And that’s unusual for me.

Maybe you should just enjoy the blowjob and quite worrying so much about coming. I’m assuming you can still come from sex since you didn’t mention anything about that being problem. If you can come from sex you should be able to eventually come from the blowjob. But maybe not. I’m certainly not a blowjob expert regardless of what some people might think. The fact that she won’t do it for more than 4 or 5 minutes is really something you should talk to her about. The real problem may be that you feel guilty for cheating AND you are still pissed at her for cheating. Maybe she doesn’t like having your dick in her mouth when she’s knows you fucked someone else with it. That’s the problem with cheating, it causes all sorts of problems for everyone involved. I would suggest having an honest conversation with her about y’alls problems.

Readers? Any suggestions?

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist and I do not play one on tv but I have lots of opinions and adore sharing them. Follow the advice at your own risk. If you read the blog much you know I suck at pretty much everything but shopping.

Ask Lola - Scars

Dear Lola,

I have been reading your blog for ages now and I never thought that I would have cause to write but I really am not sure what to do. With that said, here goes.

I was wondering with your knowledge of girly products and creams and the like, do you know anything about scars and scarring? A few months ago I underwent abdominal surgery. I now have a huge gross scar going north/south, starting 5 inches above my belly button and continues through it and follows down to about 5 inches below my belly button.

I am horrified! Mortified! Terrifed! I don’t know what to do. (I am never going to get laid again!!!)

Any ideas please and thank you.

P.S. It took me 4 weeks to write this to you. God I`m a loser.

I simply can't believe it took you this long to write. Silly peanut.

Personally I would apply Vitamin E every single day after a shower and right before bed. Just prick open the end of the capsule and go to town. If you are worried about your clothes you can cover the oil with guaze but if you put it on right after your shower and then wander around naked a while like I do it should be absorbed before you have to put on your clothes. (I don't actually wander around naked but I do all my girlie stuff like my hair and makeup naked.)

I've also heard rubbing cucumbers and lemon juice on scars help lessen the color and intensity of the scar.

I've never tried Mederma but it certainly couldn't hurt.

Also when I had that thing taken out of my boob they suggested silicon sheeting to reduce the scar. I didn't do anything about the scar on my boob. I left it there as a reminder but it's also a really small scar. If it were any bigger I'd be doing all the things I listed about and even trying more. Plus I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to have surgery again and I will treat this scar right from the beginning. One boob scar is enough of a reminder.

And you will get laid again. It's me that's never going to get laid again

Ask Lola - What To Buy

Once again I didn't get an Ask Lola this week which may mean it's time for this feature to die but I do have a question for y'all.

If you read me for any time at all you know I'm obsessed with OJ.  I was also completely obsessed with the whole Anna Nicole fiasco.  So the OJ book "If I Did It" comes out September 13th.  I was really upset when the publisher first decided not to publish it and I was determined to buy it if if ever became available.  I'm now having second thoughts.

Rita Cosby has written "Blonde Ambition."  It's supposed to be really juicy.  And it's supposed to have some really nasty stuff about Larry Birkhead who I was never a fan of.

Which one do I buy?  In the past I would have just purchased both but I really can't just spend money willy nilly anymore.  (Did I just say willy nilly?)  Yes, I realize they are both trash and just gossipy but I'm in school and sometimes my brain needs a rest and trash is just the rest it needs.  So which one gets to come home with me?

Ask Lola - Comfort Level

No one sent me an Ask Lola this week so I'm asking y'all a question.

So as you all know I'm going to see RYAN FREAKIN' ADAMS in October.  I am going with Future Alcoholic.  I haven't written much about Future Alcoholic but she has been around.  She works alot and she works weird hours.  She also drinks alot and seriously I just can't hang.  Actually I suppose I could hang out with her and not drink but she goes to some pretty offbeat places that just aren't my style.  She did join me to see the totally asskickingness that was Catfish Haven and Lucero a few weeks ago and we are going to see Lucero again in a few weeks but normally we don't hang out all that much.  Once in a blue moon blah, blah, blah...

Future Alcoholic is poor.  And I'm not being mean.  I mean I'm poor too but sometimes I forget I'm poor.  I didn't used to be poor but then I quit/lost my job.  Anyway, Future Alcoholic is poor and what money she does have she likes to spend in a responsible manner.  She is trying to pay off her car this year.  Well maybe she isn't actually trying to pay it off but she has decided she wants to pay a certain amount on it this year above and beyond the actual payment amount so all her "extra" money goes towards that.  And beer.  And cigarettes.

Now if you know anything about me from reading this blog you know I have some expensive tastes.  I like to eat at nice restaurants and stay in nice hotels.  (And buy nice makeup.  And shoes.  And handbags.)  We were discussing where to stay when we go to Nashvegas for Ryan Adams and I suggested the Sheraton.  It is practically right across the street from the venue and it isn't that expensive.  She freaked.  She suggested another motel which shall remain nameless.  It is an "outie."

Do you know what an outie is?  It is a motel that opens up to the outside.  I'm not allowed to stay in outies.  My mom said so.  Outies are scary.  So here is my question, do I just suck it up and stay in the outie because she is poor and be uncomfortable the whole time or do I just pay for the hotel room myself because I'll be much happier at the Sheraton?

I guess she really would have freaked about where I wanted to stay if we had gone to Chicago.

Ask Lola - Love Advice

Dear Lola,

   I am having major problems in the love department, and I would love if you could help me. I have no one I can talk to and no one that would understand. I am in my early 20's and have never been in a relationship. Right now I have someone I have been interested in for a little while, and sometimes believe he is interested in me. The problem is that he keeps sending me mixed signals- one day he will be all over me, and the next, he will completely ignore me. When he does pay attention to me, I know something is there; but those days when we're like total strangers, I begin to doubt myself and get extremely frustrated and depressed. I know I should have been way over this by now, but there is absolutely no one else I am interested in, and my heart keeps telling me to stay with it; and I can't make the first move because when I try, those days when he ignores me floods my head, and I doubt myself even more. I guess sometimes he makes a move, but then maybe something I do turns him away. I'm tired of the emotional anguish and just really need some help.
Thanks.

I’m not sure I’m the person to be giving love advice but here it goes. 

Mixed signals suck and we all send them at one time or another in our lives.  We also all receive them which sucks even more.  I know you said you can't make the first move but I think in this case you really must.  If you think he is into you but somedays he isn't maybe he is afraid of rejection. 

Making the first move is really, really scary.  Trust me, I know.  Here is the thing though.  You can continue on the way you are being miserable and not knowing what is going on or you can just dive in and find out what the fuck the deal is. 

If you don't want to make an actual move on him perhaps you could just have a discussion with him about what's going on.  I know that sounds scary.  IT IS SCARY!  But living like you are now is just making you miserable and no one should be miserable.  (Except for The Boy and Selfish Asshole.)   (I'm kidding.  Mostly.)  Maybe this guy is just as miserable as you are.  Maybe he is shy or just can't believe someone as wonderful as you would be interested in him.  Make his day and let him know you are all his for the taking.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist and I do not play one on tv but I have lots of opinions and adore sharing them. Follow the advice at your own risk. If you read the blog much you know I suck at pretty much everything but shopping.

Ask Lola - Not Getting F*cked Over At Work

Lola,

My new supervisor confided in me that my partner wants to be seen as the "leader" but she can't ever get anything done. The plan she's thinking of is for some of my duties to be shifted to our admin so that I can pick up the slack for my partner. I'm thinking this scenario leaves me as the one with no true identity in the office and it's unfair since I always get my work
done and deal with office issues. What would you do to avoid this plan being put into action?

Resentful Cube Dweller

Dear RCD,

My first thought is no fucking way. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. This is a totally unacceptable position you are in. If I were you I would tell your new supervisor exactly what you have told me. Explain to her that you want to be seen as a leader and that it would be unfair for you to pick up the slack for your partner. Show the supervisor that you do get your work done on time, deal with office issues, and have no need for someone to take up your slack. Explain that you feel ready for a leadership position and are more than able to take on the role without having to have someone else take part of your workload. If the supervisor still insists on helping your partner become the "leader" then start looking for a new job. If they are willing to "promote" someone who can't or won't get her work done then you don't need to work there. That's just my opinion.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist and I do not play one on tv but I have lots of opinions and adore sharing them. Follow the advice at your own risk. If you read the blog much you know I suck at pretty much everything but shopping.

Ask Lola - Internet Dating - The Younger Guy

Dear Lola,

So I want this to be anonymous. I am sure you can understand. So here is my situation. I am 30, I am getting divorced and I am trying to date after being in one relationship for most of my 20s. Needless to say, I am not very good at this. The two people I have been interested in so far have had serious girlfriends (I know, I am terrible). They were good guy friends of mine and then one night it just happened. Well, I mean two nights, one night with one and then another night with the other. I haven't hooked up with either of them since. One of the guys I am very into. We are close and have been for the past year. He has cheated on his girlfriend a bunch and admits he has a problem, that he is addicted to women. I should just stay away from him right? I mean, there is no chance that this guy is going to change is there? Unfortunately he is the perfect mix of sweet and asshole and is totally fucking HOT!

So I have been exploring other options. I am not looking for anything serious. I met a guy online who is adorable and who makes me laugh, but he is 24. Do you think it would be a mistake to meet up with him? We have been emailing and texting, I don't know if he wants to meet up. He gave me his phone number, but I am hesitant to make the first move. I don't think he knows if he wants to meet me either. Ugh. I am so bad at this. I have no clue how to date. I have never dated anyone I wasn't already friends with. I guess I am kind of shy. Although to my friends they all think I am super outgoing. Should I ask him if he wants to meet up? If I am patient will he just ask me? Or do you think he is a little shy because I am 30?

He seems very cool - smart, witty, funny, basically an interesting person to hang out with. Have you ever met up with someone that you met online? I'd be interested to hear another perspective. I have never asked someone out before. I feel like a stalker contacting him, but he always responds to my texts and emails that day, so I assume that he may be interested?? If he is interested wouldn't he just ask me out? Should I try talking to him on the phone? I hate talking on the phone. I think it would be much easier to meet over a drink. If I ask him if he wants to meet up tonight will I look like a loser who has nothing going on?

Love you Lols! Thanks for helping me out!

OK first of all, you should not be hooking up with other people's boyfriends. I know you know this. But since you are newly divorced (or almost divorced) I'll give you a pass and not ream you a new asshole. ;) Shame on them though. Shame, shame, shame.

Stay away from the hot guy. Far, far away. He may be the perfect combination of sweet and asshole but he is lethal. Trust me, from this I know. Selfish Asshole was the perfect combination. The Boy was the perfect combination. My two blog crushes were the perfect combination. LETHAL, LETHAL, LETHAL. And not so much fun when it's over. And he won't change. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I have met someone online before. (Selfish Asshole to be precise.) Meeting someone online is all the rage these days so I say go for it. I would call him first though. I know you don't want to make the first move but it isn't really the first move since he gave you his number. Talking on the phone will let you know if you really have a spark or not. Emailing and texting is great but there is no inflection. You might think it's great but it may not be. I'd talk first and meet later. In a week or two.

He may not have asked you out yet because he may be intimidated about asking out a 30 year old woman. There is nothing wrong with being 30 and dating or just drinking with a 24 year old. However, men can have very fragile egos and he may be afraid of rejection. And he is still just a baby so he may just now be finding his stride as far as his ego goes. Ask him out but talk on the phone first. Make sure y'all will have something to talk about over drinks and you won't just be sitting there mortified and bored.

Good luck.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist and I do not play one on tv but I have lots of opinions and adore sharing them. Follow the advice at your own risk. If you read the blog much you know I suck at pretty much everything but shopping.

Ask Lola - Fair Skin Protection

This will be one of my last (I have one more in my drafts folder) "Ask Lola" posts unless some of you come up with some problems here real quick. Just sayin'.

Lola,

You have posted several times about your skin. I have very fair skin and a family trait for skin cancer. I also have very sensitive skin. If I put on sun screen and / or make-up I will break out by the next morning. With your love of make up do you have any suggestions for UV ray protection and make up that won't break out my skin?

I had a spot of skin cancer between my breasts a while back. Since then I have tried to be hyper vigilant about my skin but sometimes it’s very hard. I’m a born sun-worshipper.

I've been using Bare Escentuals for about 9 months now. I also use the MDFormulations (which is made by Bare Escentuals) for my cleansing routine. (I use the anti-aging kit.) The Bare Escentuals powder has SPF in it. I also adore the way it makes my skin look. It's very easy to use. They also have some wonderful products which make you appear tan without the actual sun.

The other great thing about Bare Escentuals is they often have “kits” which include great products and aren't very expensive. I started with the “Get Started” kit in medium/medium beige. It contained everything I needed foundation wise. (And honestly before joining the BE cult I never wore foundation.  Ever.)  It also included some great brushes. I loved it so much that I then purchased “Beyond the Basics”.  I was hooked.  I then purchased in rapid succession "Get Started Eyes", (vanilla sugar is the best eyeshadow ever) "Be Campy",  "Crown Jewels" and various other individual eyeshadows, blushes, and lipglosses.  In fact, I've thrown out all my other brands of make-up and started using Bare Escentuals exclusively. Well except for mascara. I'm still a mascara whore. Oh, and a lip gloss whore.  But I'm not a whore whore.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist and I do not play one on tv but I have lots of opinions and adore sharing them. Follow the advice at your own risk. If you read the blog much you know I suck at pretty much everything but shopping.

Ask Lola - Wedding Plans

This may well be my very favorite Ask Lola not only because I adore who it came from but also because if I can't plan my own wedding I might as well help plan someone else's.

Dear Lola,

Want to plan a wedding? Money is no object, except, for real, be normal about it. We're going to elope, so it'll only be the two of us we need to worry about paying for. We don't want anyone else there. We'd like for it to be in some naturally beautiful location. We need it to be somewhere with easy marriage laws. We're tossing around Costa Rica and Grenada at the moment. We don't want to spend an entire day in transit each way. We would like someplace fun, but not college-fun.

Plus, I need a dress. I don't want some shit with a train and beading, and I have big tits. I'd like to not look like a stripper.

Please advise.

OK first of all you are going to spend a day in transit each way if you do anything beachworthy and out of the country. The least amount of time I've spent getting to PR is 7 hours and I live closer to those type areas than you do. So suck it up.

I know you mentioned Costa Rica and Grenada but if it were me I would get married on St. John's. First of all it's American so there are less restrictions, waiting periods, etc. Secondly, St. John's is beautiful. I mean really, really beautiful. Most of the island is a National Park. Also there are so many islands around that you can visit by ferry and/or seaplane. After getting married on St. John's I would go stay on Tortola at The Sugar Mill. You can then go to St. Thomas, Virgin Gorda, St. Croix, Jost Van Dyke, and back to St. John's for day trips quite easily by ferry. And trust me they are all worth it. The Sugar Mill has an excellent 8 day/7 night package. Of course, it isn't my wedding and I am biased towards the USVI's and the BVI's. But it is totally worth to see so many beautful places so easily on one vacation.

I researched Grenada and Costa Rica's laws as well. Costa Rica does not have a waiting period either. However, you do need two witnesses that aren't family up to the third degree. I am available to be one of the witnesses. Costa Rica is also beautiful but the beaches on the side you would need to stay on are shell not sand. Perhaps not a big deal but I like sand under my feet.

In Grenada you must be a "resident" for three days. It then takes approximately another two days to get the marriage license. That isn't a bad wait but I'd rather just have all the necessary paperwork done before I got there and just get married. So St. John's is still my first choice and then Costa Rica. I would rule out Grenada competely if it were me.

I already sent you some wedding dresses and I'm not going to repost those here. However, I do like this one and this one. And I know you might be a bit skeeved that they are jcrew but I think they are both very simple and pretty for a beach wedding.

I know your concerns about a ring so I researched "green" wedding rings. This place seems to have a lot of different options. Of course since I am more shallow than you I would totally ask for one like this, this, or this. I like this wedding band. Surprised? Yeah me too.

So there you have it. Just let me know when I need to have my bags packed.

Ask Lola - To Dump Or Not To Dump

Okay, here's one:

I did a very bad thing. I peeked at my boyfriend's MySpace mailbox, because I was suspicious of some of the girls on his list. I discovered that he sought out, friended, and messaged a very attractive woman, and that he's been communicating pretty closely with another woman. There's nothing that's blatantly cheating, but I'm the jealous, insecure type and he knows that. He's very attractive, has a lot of female friends (many of whom would love the chance to go out with him, or at least to sleep with him), and he's the flirtatious type by nature.

In one of the messages to the one he's been communicating with closely, he responded to a survey-type post and in response to the question "Would you date me?" he replied yes, he probably would - without making any mention whatsoever that he's already seeing someone exclusively. We've been dating for five months, so far as I know he hasn't cheated on me (because he'd be gone if I knew he had), but I get the distinct impression that he's already lining up the next girl. I could be wrong - I don't know if I'm feeling so paranoid because I'm going through a very rough time in my life in addition to my standard relationship insecurities; or if I want to stay with him so badly that I'm trying to convince myself that he's not cheating on me or planning to.

He's never hidden from me that he has many female friends and that he's a flirt; I knew that before I ever started dating him. However, I also know that he cheated on his last girlfriend (because he told me he had) - but I can't really hold that against him, because I've cheated in the past too, and I don't intend to ever repeat that mistake. But now I'm getting to the point where I'm not trusting him (otherwise I never would have looked at his MySpace), and lack of trust is the death knell. So... am I overreacting, or is he a philandering asshole who needs to be removed from my life?

Snooping is one of my pet peeves. There is a post somewhere from a while ago about trust and snooping and all that stuff. Selfish Asshole’s ex used to snoop on him all the time. At the time, I thought she was a whack job. After what happened between us I realized perhaps he had given her reason to snoop. I’m still not a big fan of snooping because trust is a major component of any healthy relationship. (I’m acting like I know what a healthy relationship is. Just go with it.)

If you are snooping on him perhaps his behavior has led you to suspect he may not be the right man for you. While email flirting (or MySpace flirting) is not cheating it is still, in my opinion, disrespectful. I’m a huge flirt. Seriously. My friends say if something with a dick comes my way I become like a completely different person. (I think they are exaggerated. It’s not anything with a dick, just most things.) However, when I’m in a relationship I make a concertated effort to curb that type of behavior.

You say he’s never hidden from you that he is a flirt and has many women friends. I’m suspicious of this because it’s like he’s saying, “I’m gonna flirt so deal with it.” Fuck that noise. If y’all are exclusive he should at least try to tone it down. If a person is flirtatious by nature it is hard to change that behavior but that person can at least try.

The whole MySpace thing you are describing is giving me a bad feeling. That could just be from my past experiences though. (And we all know my track record in relationships is for shit.) I also think, and no offense here, but once someone cheats it’s that much easier to cheat again. Here is an example of what I mean. I have a friend who got involved with a married man. Eventually the man left his wife and married my friend. And eventually he cheated on her. She was shocked. I, on the other hand, told her, “Hello dumbass. You got him because he cheated on his wife. Why would you possibly think he would be different with you? Did you think you could cure him?” Needless to say, she was pissed me at me for a while.

My instinct is to tell you to get out of the relationship. The problem with that is I don’t know you or him. Only you know what you should do. Somehow I think you already know but just don’t want to admit it to yourself. Something is causing you to not trust him. You didn’t start out the relationship snooping. Something has caused you to do the things you have done. Think about and you’ll know what to do.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist and I do not play one on tv but I have lots of opinions and adore sharing them. Follow the advice at your own risk. If you read the blog much you know I suck at pretty much everything but shopping.

Ask Lola - To Stalk Or Not To Stalk

Hey Lola!

Here's a question for your Ask Lola section. It might not even be much of a question but here goes:

I was in Ohio at a party, and I met this really great guy from Pittsburgh. We connected immediately and stayed up til 5 just shootin' the shit. We all stayed over, and then the next day went out to breakfast. Unless I'm a complete idiot, there was definite flirting on both ends, albeit the fifth grade kind of flirting were we make fun of each other mercilessly, and also those kind of eye-gazes where you want to look away, but don't? On the drive home, everyone told me that he was feeling me, but I told them he had neglected to get my number, so obviously he wasn't interested. However, they planted seeds in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about him. Had I made the connection up?

Now normally in this situation, because i'm insane, I would Google him, find out his phone number, and casually (to him) but fanatically to me, start calling and texting til he's like "never contact me again." I didn't want it to go down that way again, even if there was no possibility of even a Maybe Boy in my future. But I also didn't want him to forget about me (even though I like to think I'm unforgettable). So, I got his number from our mutual friend. And I stare at it. And stare at it. And stare some more.

What should I do? Use the number and risk looking like a jackass because I misinterpreted all the signs? Not use and and miss out on Maybe Something? Or my usual stalk-him til he hates me routine?

Contact him and risk looking like a jackass. However before you contact him I think you need a Stalker Sponsor. It’s like an AA sponsor. In fact, I’m totally thinking about starting Stalkers Anonymous.

Here’s how the sponsor works. If you feel like emailing, texting, or calling more than once a day without a VALID reason then you contact the sponsor first. A valid reason means he has contacted you and there is a back and forth thing going on. Another valid reason is to say “Hey” but if he doesn’t email/text/call you back right away it is not valid to send another email/call/text. Get the idea?

If you don’t have a friend who is willing to fulfill the duties of Stalker Sponsor, I’ll gladly volunteer. Us crazies need to stick together.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist and I do not play one on tv but I have lots of opinions and adore sharing them. Follow the advice at your own risk. If you read the blog much you know I suck at pretty much everything but shopping.